A Television Epic Comes to a Close

Luckily, Flav picked the right girl. If he hadn't, this update would be at least three times longer.

Random Flavor of Love related thoughts:

• Hoopz may yet prove to be problematic, despite the coolness she showed in every episode except the last one. She proved in the salon and the dress shop that she can require more maintenance than the Boston road system when she so chooses. Flav, my man, look out.
• As if New York hadn't already proven that she was in it just for television, she rode in the limo for about ten minutes after losing before finally breaking down. It was as if she was thinking how she could make the biggest impression over the camera.
• Disappointed that Hoopz is off the market? Don't be. When she leaves his ass, she's gonna leave with half. And then she'll be even more attractive.
  
• There is one downside to Flav not picking New York. The chances of a successful follow up series with Flav and Hoopz is not good. Flav and New York, however, would've been ratings dynamite. On a side note, what's the over/under on how long is it before that crazy bitch has her own show? Four months? Five?
  
• Scott Colby concurs with Hoopz's wish that New York drink herself into a coma.
  

BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE COMMA

The comma is a severely underestimated and misunderstood piece of punctuation. Few comprehend the little mark's true influence on language. Scott Colby has found a simple example of its use that will correct this horrible travesty.

The extent of the comma's power is made evident through the huge difference in these two statements:

Come here and help me, douche.

Come here and help me douche.

Big difference, right? And all because of a comma. Now will you give it the respect it deserves by learning how to use it properly? Scott Colby thought so.

Money Making Scheme of the Day

Is your best friend dating a girl who has no hot friends?

Is your son about to marry a financially challenged woman who lacks a yacht?

Is your daughter switching teams and potentially scaring away the Fundamentalist vote, thus putting you in danger of losing the Kansas Senatorial race?

Is your hair so awesome that the women at work won't leave you alone?

Is someone you know just not fit to have children?

Whoa Nelly, does I Stole Your Lunch have a product for you! Essence of Scott Colby is guaranteed to scare away all those pesky women! Clincial trials have proven this awesome new product to be about 98% affective. Best of all, it comes in several varieties, from the obvious to the clandestine, and those varieties look real good when detailed in a bulleted list!

• Tablets
• Caplets
• Geltabs
• Lozenges
• Candles
• That shit you put in Glade Plugins
  
• "Dandruff Shampoo"
• "Deodorant"
• "Hard Candy"
• "Natty Light"
• Gas Grenade (to administer a dose to multiple targets at once)
• Blowgun Darts
  
• Extra Strength Suppository

Soon to be on sale through a new infomercial hosted by John Basedow.

(Surgeon General's Warning: Essence of Scott Colby does not protect against Buffalo Women and/or/including Brigitte Nielsen. Side effects may include drowsiness, drunkenness, obliviousness, and an unhealthy attachment to the toaster. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use this product. If you are engaged, please see your lawyer to get a prenup before applying Essence of Scott Colby.)

P.S. Flava Flav, if you do not choose Hoopz, further clinical tests of Essence of Scott Colby will begin immediately on your stupid, stupid ass.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S THE SINK APOCALYPSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap...

Every sink Scott Colby looked in this morning was full of crud. The bathroom sink was full of unused toothpaste. The kitchen sink was full of Happy Fucking Pancake Day. IT WAS SPREADING.

Nostradamus predicted this day. "Sown by the man in pink, the gunk shall arise from the basins of porcelain and stainless steel like sores on a leper, and when you get on he'll leave your ass for a white girl."

That doesn't seem too bad, until one realizes there isn't a white man alive who can compete with a man of any other ethnicity for the attention of a white girl. This would hamper Scott Colby's gold digging quite a bit. When's the last time the record companies manufactured a naive pop princess who wasn't from Britain or the midwest or the south? Exactly. Luckily, he recognized the danger and cobbled together an Anti-Gunk Containment System using the Best Toaster Ever and several glow in the dark condoms.

Unfortunately, he didn't have time to properly charge the condoms. They could expire any moment now, allowing the plague to infect other nearby sinks...and then...the world. Scott Colby has already locked both Kelly Clarkson and Natasha Bedingfield in the bunker in his backyard.