The Packy is open on Easter! Hooray!

In hindsight, perhaps that fact should've been obvious. But whereas the infamous Blue Laws were written by a bunch of Pilgrims who didn't understand proper English and Mitt Romney can't find a Pilgrim anywhere to help translate (despite several dozen posts on Craig's list), the liquor laws here in Massachusetts are screwed up worse than people who think reading a blog is a good way to spend an afternoon.

But yes, the Packy is open on Easter, and there are ten good reasons why:

10. A holiday isn't a holiday without a little High Life.
9. In case Brigitte Nielsen corners you and you need something to destroy the horrible, horrible memories.
8. No matter how often Scott Colby asks, the Easter Bunny will not bring Jack Daniel's and overpriced potato chips, though occasionally he can be convinced to drop off a bag of ice.
7. Drinking alone in your house on a family-oriented holiday is less depressing than drinking alone in a bar on a family-oriented holiday.
6. Nothing says Easter like a little flip cup, and the kids are never too young to learn how to own a Beirut table. How come you didn't swat that bounce you little bastard?! No jelly beans for you!
5. To help inspire Easter-related blogs.
4. The Interweb is closed.
3. The world is still waiting for New York to drink herself into a coma.
2. Judas betrayed Jesus to the Romans because Jesus routinely drank all their beer on Easter and back in the day the Packy was closed on Easter. So now the Packy is open, so when Jesus comes back and starts drinking everybody's beer, no one will get mad and sell him out to the the RIAA.
1. Relatives.

Wow, isn't it convenient how awesome things always come in groups of ten?

Scott Colby is Very, Very Sorry

Many of you may be wondering why this Internet bastion of awesomeness has not been updated for a whole month now. The reason is simple: Scott Colby couldn't face you, his audience, after the horrible, horrible mistake he made.

Scott Colby's main man Flava Flav was dead set on picking New York. In an attempt to save Flav from a fate worse than Brigitte, Scott Colby stepped in and convinced him to pick Hoopz.

Oh, how wrong Scott Colby was! That ungrateful harlot was just using Flav to further her career as an actress, and the happy couple separated after a few months of Hoopz neglecting her man. Being on Flavor of Love, after all, is the best thing for any young actress's career - Scott Colby guarantees she'll pop up in a few adult movies somewhere down the road.

Scott Colby apologizes for wrongly raising Hoopz upon a pedestal of sainthood. Can you ever forgive him....?



Ha, like he gives two shits what you think.

A Television Epic Comes to a Close

Luckily, Flav picked the right girl. If he hadn't, this update would be at least three times longer.

Random Flavor of Love related thoughts:

• Hoopz may yet prove to be problematic, despite the coolness she showed in every episode except the last one. She proved in the salon and the dress shop that she can require more maintenance than the Boston road system when she so chooses. Flav, my man, look out.
• As if New York hadn't already proven that she was in it just for television, she rode in the limo for about ten minutes after losing before finally breaking down. It was as if she was thinking how she could make the biggest impression over the camera.
• Disappointed that Hoopz is off the market? Don't be. When she leaves his ass, she's gonna leave with half. And then she'll be even more attractive.
  
• There is one downside to Flav not picking New York. The chances of a successful follow up series with Flav and Hoopz is not good. Flav and New York, however, would've been ratings dynamite. On a side note, what's the over/under on how long is it before that crazy bitch has her own show? Four months? Five?
  
• Scott Colby concurs with Hoopz's wish that New York drink herself into a coma.
  

BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE COMMA

The comma is a severely underestimated and misunderstood piece of punctuation. Few comprehend the little mark's true influence on language. Scott Colby has found a simple example of its use that will correct this horrible travesty.

The extent of the comma's power is made evident through the huge difference in these two statements:

Come here and help me, douche.

Come here and help me douche.

Big difference, right? And all because of a comma. Now will you give it the respect it deserves by learning how to use it properly? Scott Colby thought so.

Money Making Scheme of the Day

Is your best friend dating a girl who has no hot friends?

Is your son about to marry a financially challenged woman who lacks a yacht?

Is your daughter switching teams and potentially scaring away the Fundamentalist vote, thus putting you in danger of losing the Kansas Senatorial race?

Is your hair so awesome that the women at work won't leave you alone?

Is someone you know just not fit to have children?

Whoa Nelly, does I Stole Your Lunch have a product for you! Essence of Scott Colby is guaranteed to scare away all those pesky women! Clincial trials have proven this awesome new product to be about 98% affective. Best of all, it comes in several varieties, from the obvious to the clandestine, and those varieties look real good when detailed in a bulleted list!

• Tablets
• Caplets
• Geltabs
• Lozenges
• Candles
• That shit you put in Glade Plugins
  
• "Dandruff Shampoo"
• "Deodorant"
• "Hard Candy"
• "Natty Light"
• Gas Grenade (to administer a dose to multiple targets at once)
• Blowgun Darts
  
• Extra Strength Suppository

Soon to be on sale through a new infomercial hosted by John Basedow.

(Surgeon General's Warning: Essence of Scott Colby does not protect against Buffalo Women and/or/including Brigitte Nielsen. Side effects may include drowsiness, drunkenness, obliviousness, and an unhealthy attachment to the toaster. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use this product. If you are engaged, please see your lawyer to get a prenup before applying Essence of Scott Colby.)

P.S. Flava Flav, if you do not choose Hoopz, further clinical tests of Essence of Scott Colby will begin immediately on your stupid, stupid ass.