This is Not a Test of the Emergency Broadcast System

On Wednesday, November 9, at 2 pm, FEMA conducted its first test of the nation-wide Emergency Alert System (EAS).  There were a few bugs, but the thing mostly worked.  Including the Lady Gaga music it briefly played to a few lucky Americans.

"What?" you're surely gasping, mouth agape.  "Every reputable site on the Internet says that was a mistake!  Surely the government didn't intentionally serenade its citizens with Lady Gaga!"

That's where you're wrong.  As we all know, there are a number of things They don't want us to know about.  They don't care that we know there are things They don't want us to know about because they think it's funny.  But there are indeed a lot of things They don't want us to know about.  I'm about to give away one of Their biggest secrets, and They're collectively going to shit a brick.

You see, EAS is SUPPOSED to play music when it's fired up.  The song it plays is a special code used to alert the other Thems as to the true nature of the emergency, the cause They don't want us to know about. It gives Them a leg up on saving themselves while the rest of us are left to die.

For instance:

• Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi," as heard yesterday, tells Them that it's only a test and they should go back to playing CEO while flossing with fresh spider silk seated atop their golden toilets.
• A zombie apocalypse, of course, is heralded by "Thriller."
• "Secret Agent Man" alerts Them to be on the lookout for a Them-created supersoldier who's gone "off the reservation" and begun picking "Them" off one-by-one.
• Nelly's "Hot in Herre" is the signal to head for the spaceship life boats because OH FUCK GLOBAL WARMING!!!!!
• "Supermassive Blackhole" by Muse tells Them to don their gas masks so that they might survive the massive cloud of flatulence headed their way.
• The onset of a pandemic is signaled using "I Will Survive" by the Gloria Gaynor.  Cake's cover tells us it's a food-born illness.
• "Since You've Been Gone" means California just sank but Kelly Clarkson's ok with that because she's moving on.
• "I Think I'm Turning Japanese" by the vapors signals the approach of Godzilla or similar atomic monstrosities including but not limited to Mothra, Rodan, or Janice Dickinson.

In extreme cases, EAS utilizes mashups of the above.  Suppose you hear "Thriller" mixed with "Hot in Herre" and "Supermassive Blackhole."  Now you're dealing with a zombie flatulence aggravated by OH FUCK GLOBAL WARMING!!!

Many Bothans died to bring us this information.  Use it wisely.  You know They will.

Colby for Red Sox Manager

If this year's World Series taught us anything, it's that you don't need a competent manager to succeed in Major League Baseball.  It doesn't matter how badly you mismanage the bullpen, how often you intentionally walk slap-hitting utility infielders, or how many illogical bunts you instruct your guys to drop.  You don't need to be paying attention and you certainly don't need to know how to work the bullpen phone.  All you really need are three steady starters, a decent closer, a training staff steadily pumping your guys full of whatever borderline illegal wonder drug will keep them on the field, and a metric shit ton of luck.  And by luck, I mean you really just need to be facing a team with an even dumber manager than yours.

This is why I'm hereby entering my name for consideration for Boston's vacant manager position.  I figure I'm no more or less qualified than any of the other candidates.  My qualifications:

• I've lead the Pittsburgh Pirates to two consecutive National League Central Championships.  Video game managing is no different than managing in the minors, except in the minors when you charge the mound you don't collide with the television and hurt yourself.  That makes me at least as qualified as Ryne Sandberg.
• My Modesto Nuts finished with the best record in an extremely intense fantasy baseball league.  I won $20, which I put toward deodorant.  I will smell better than Dale Sveum and my name is a LOT easier to figure out how to say.
• Under my leadership, players drinking beer in the dugout shall be a thing of the past.  That's because I'm a big lush and I will steal and drink all of their beer.  I bet Pete Mackanin doesn't have the balls to lead by example like that.
• I shall hire Jose Canseco as my hitting coach.  I don't think it's any secret why Nick Punto, who swings a bat like your mother, set a career high in slugging this season under Mark McGwire's...er...tutelage.  That's the kind of bold, out-of-the-box thinking that would never occur to DeMarlo Hale.
• I all ready have my own hat.  You'll have to buy one for Mike Maddux.

There's more, but I am firmly opposed to resumes that take up more than one page.  Just call me, Cherington.  You won't regret it.  And if you don't, you should probably just save some money by putting John Lackey in charge.  He might as well do something to earn that eleventy bajillion dollars he's going to make not pitching next year.

I Will Survive, Episode 5

I have a confession to make: I am completely addicted to Survivor.  Have been on and off for quite a long time.  And you thought my taste in entertainment couldn't possibly get any worse.

Like the few other things I watch on TV, I am extremely opinionated about Survivor and I know I could do a better job than everyone involved.  Unfortunately I'm a lazy shit and I can't swim all that well.  Ok, at all.  But I sure as hell can pass judgment on the cast!  I'm also very good at copying other people, so I'm going to pull a Bill Simmons and separate the cast into tiers depending on their chances of ultimate victory.  Spoilers to follow.

No Chance.  No Chance In Hell.
Brandon - His strong alliance with Coach might keep in the game for a long time, but there is no way in hell a jury is giving this dude $1 million.  If Survivor were a drinking game, we'd be finishing our beers every time Lil Hantz breaks down in tears to tell us how much of a nice guy he really is deep down inside.  I just hope he makes it to the family challenge so I can see the "Oh fuck the Dragon Slayer just pooped himself" face Coach makes when Uncle Russell comes sauntering out of the jungle.

Keith and Whitney - These two dumb fucks made me yell at the TV.  There is no stupider move than not taking one of the two sides in a tribal split.  Now neither side wants you or trusts you, you dumb twatwaffles, and you just handed the tribe to that asshat Jim on a silver fucking platter.

Edna - Undoubtedly the next one out of Upolu.  That's a model tribe right there, with a clear pecking order and solid leadership.  Everything Savaii isn't.

Elise - No way she beats Christine on Redemption Island.  That'd be like the Red Sox losing the Wild Card to Tampa B--nevermind.

You Can't See Me
Rick - If it weren't for the mustache and the cowboy hat I would've completely forgotten this guy.  He says about one sentence per episode, which tells me the producers don't care because he doesn't get very far or do anything all that interesting.

It's All About the Game And How You Play It
Cochran - Yet more evidence that I need to try out.  If they'll take this fucker, they'll take me.


Mikayla - Next out after Edna, unless she can find a way to turn Lil Hantz's ridiculous hatred of her around on him.  Sadly I think she's more inclined to just cry about it than she is to try to use it to her advantage.  Possible swing vote if she makes it to the merge.

Ozzy - Watching him give Coach a big hug while flipping off the idiots in Savaii post-merge is going to be absolutely magnificent.  But he might be the next one out if his tribe loses again, and those flip-floppers tend to be the bottom of the list in their new alliances.

Christine - I wouldn't put running the Redemption Island table beyond Christine.  And if she makes it back, she's going to cause some problems for the other players in the individual challenges.

Jim - Classic overthinker.  He would've been smarter to keep Ozzy and Elyse around and happy; pissing Ozzy off now does nothing to actually help the tribe.

Albert and Sophie - Boooooooooooooooooooooooooring.   But that can go far.  Neither is dumb enough to fuck themselves over by betraying Coach, but neither is good enough to win the individual challenges.

I Came to Play
Dawn - Surprised?  Physically fit older women who aren't batshit insane always fly under the radar and reach the final four.  I could write a treatise on this phenomenon.  Keith and Whitney's fuck up catapulted Dawn up out of the "Cochran or the old broad?" discussion and into the threesome suddenly in control of Savaii.  Just watch.

Coach - The odds-on favorite.  He's got a tribe that hangs on his every word.  He's got an immunity idol in his back pocket and could add another if Ozzy swings post-merge.  He doesn't have a Jerri to hit on, so he no longer makes me want to throw up.  Brandon is the only crack in his armor right now.  If he gets rid of Lil Hantz too soon, he loses a strong hand in the challenges and could see a major pain in the ass coming back to bite him if the kid survives Redemption Island.  If he keeps him around too long, the others might start to think he's stupid.  My thought: Edna first, then Brandon if they lose again pre-merge.

Yes, I named all of my tiers using lyrics from wrestling entrance music.  Yes, that was a stupid fucking idea that has nothing to do with the subject matter.  No, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Courtesy shouldn't be big news

Today the MBTA launched a new advertisement campaign urging its riders to be more courteous. The campaign makes use of fake newspaper headlines detailing nice things you can do to make everybody's T experience just a little less sucky. Examples include such gems as "Man gives up seat for pregnant woman -- Red Line passengers witness display of good manners" and "Passenger refrains from loud cell phone conversation! -- Others will not get to hear about dermatologist appointment."

This is a good start, but it doesn't go nearly far enough. Luckily I was once the Editor-in-Chief of a nationally renowned student newspaper. I am damn good at headlines. Here are a few I recommend the T add:

• Everybody showered today -- Blue Line smells less like shit 
• Popped collar wearing douche bag steps into train rather than grabbing the first pole he sees like it's bamboo and he's a panda -- Friendly nun fixes his collar, thanks him 
• Sketchy homeless man shares paper bagged Wild Turkey with anyone who asks -- The destination of this train is: Party! 
• Teenager refrains from swinging on bars like monkey having a seizure -- Might actually amount to something someday 
• Drunk assholes call a cab -- Red Line passengers pass hat to pay their tip 
• Scott Colby holds in fart until after disembarking -- "I'm so glad my crops were not dusted!" exults fellow passenger 
• Lard ass realizes he won't fit in that seat, remains standing -- Passengers grateful for lack of side blubber spilling into their laps 
• Woman discovers she can get back on the train after stepping off to let others through -- Nobel Peace Prize sure to follow

I Read Your Book: "Oryx and Crake" by Margaret Atwood

No, that's not the pair of exotic tropical diseases that did in Van Gogh.  That's the title of a book that reaffirms my faith in nerd literature.

Plot: "Oryx and Crake" tells the story of a man who might be the last human on earth following the spread of a deadly plague.  The narrative switches easily and effortlessly between Snowman's journey to the ruins of civilization for fresh supplies and flashbacks to his youth and relationship with the titular Oryx and Crake.  All things considered, it's all a bit anticlimactic; Atwood is more concerned about how the characters get to the big turning points in their lives than she is about making those moments overly dramatic.  She doesn't beat the reader over the head with explanation or ruin the flow with any big "Why?  I'll tell you..." speeches. There's no big twist, no misdirection, and no bullshit. It works, and it works well.  Score:9

Setting:  Local and national governments have collapsed, replaced by giant corporations that provide a police force and manipulate every bit of people's lives for their own gain.  Most of these corporations deal in radical biotech: treatments to change the way you look, highly specialized animals built to maximize food production or grow organs for transplant, custom microbes with which to destroy your enemies.  It's science fiction, but it never, ever seems far-fetched.Score:10

Characters: There's growth here, but it's subtle.  Snowman's kind of a washout in his early days; he'd be nothing without Crake, but he's grown up since the plague and become a strong father figure to Crake's new race of pseudo-humans.  His name may not be part of the title, but he's the star of this book.  Score: 8

Ending: Remember what I wrote above about the plot being a bit anticlimactic?  Yeah.  The finale kind of works given the tone and structure of the book, but I can't help wishing it provided a bit more closure.  Score: 5

That's an 8.  I'm not sure it's fair to let the ending hold it back like that, so let's call it a high 8, an 8.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999.

Bests: Atwood doesn't beat you over the head with plot developments and character growth - you have to pay attention; the setting.
"Bests:" At one point, a group of tree hugging eco-terrorists "free" a bunch of chickens genetically modified to produce a metric ton of meat but no legs or eyes.
Worsts: Closure?  Please?  And I never got a good feel for what made Oryx tick.

Is it better than Scott Colby's forthcoming novel, "Shotgun?" Yes, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.