Courtesy shouldn't be big news

Today the MBTA launched a new advertisement campaign urging its riders to be more courteous. The campaign makes use of fake newspaper headlines detailing nice things you can do to make everybody's T experience just a little less sucky. Examples include such gems as "Man gives up seat for pregnant woman -- Red Line passengers witness display of good manners" and "Passenger refrains from loud cell phone conversation! -- Others will not get to hear about dermatologist appointment."

This is a good start, but it doesn't go nearly far enough. Luckily I was once the Editor-in-Chief of a nationally renowned student newspaper. I am damn good at headlines. Here are a few I recommend the T add:

• Everybody showered today -- Blue Line smells less like shit 
• Popped collar wearing douche bag steps into train rather than grabbing the first pole he sees like it's bamboo and he's a panda -- Friendly nun fixes his collar, thanks him 
• Sketchy homeless man shares paper bagged Wild Turkey with anyone who asks -- The destination of this train is: Party! 
• Teenager refrains from swinging on bars like monkey having a seizure -- Might actually amount to something someday 
• Drunk assholes call a cab -- Red Line passengers pass hat to pay their tip 
• Scott Colby holds in fart until after disembarking -- "I'm so glad my crops were not dusted!" exults fellow passenger 
• Lard ass realizes he won't fit in that seat, remains standing -- Passengers grateful for lack of side blubber spilling into their laps 
• Woman discovers she can get back on the train after stepping off to let others through -- Nobel Peace Prize sure to follow