Is your son about to marry a financially challenged woman who lacks a yacht?
Is your daughter switching teams and potentially scaring away the Fundamentalist vote, thus putting you in danger of losing the Kansas Senatorial race?
Is your hair so awesome that the women at work won't leave you alone?
Is someone you know just not fit to have children?
Whoa Nelly, does I Stole Your Lunch have a product for you! Essence of Scott Colby is guaranteed to scare away all those pesky women! Clincial trials have proven this awesome new product to be about 98% affective. Best of all, it comes in several varieties, from the obvious to the clandestine, and those varieties look real good when detailed in a bulleted list!
- Tablets
- Caplets
- Geltabs
- Lozenges
- Candles
- That shit you put in Glade Plugins
- "Dandruff Shampoo"
- "Deodorant"
- "Hard Candy"
- "Natty Light"
- Gas Grenade (to administer a dose to multiple targets at once)
- Blowgun Darts
- Extra Strength Suppository
(Surgeon General's Warning: Essence of Scott Colby does not protect against Buffalo Women and/or/including Brigitte Nielsen. Side effects may include drowsiness, drunkenness, obliviousness, and an unhealthy attachment to the toaster. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use this product. If you are engaged, please see your lawyer to get a prenup before applying Essence of Scott Colby.)
P.S. Flava Flav, if you do not choose Hoopz, further clinical tests of Essence of Scott Colby will begin immediately on your stupid, stupid ass.
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