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Dorks, losers, and recluses everywhere are saving their pennies and turning in their cans, as it's time once again for yet another round of new video game consoles.

Today, I'm going to focus on just one of these new machines, the retarded, red-headed stepchild of the console family, the Nintendo Wii (pronounce "we").

"They named it what?" you ask. The name Wii, according to Nintendo, is meant to convey a sense of welcome to people who are afraid of anything with more than two buttons (including shirts). They also claim that the letter "i" looks like their controller (which I'll get to), and putting two of them in the name implies that people will have fun playing with their friends. In related news, Nintendo's marketing department consists of five Management of Technology majors and a donkey (or, if you prefer, you can think of the department as consisting of six jackasses). The donkey was the only one who voted against the new name.

Now, on to the controller. Picture a television remote, with a directional pad and two buttons on top and a trigger button on the bottom. Kind of dumb, right? Well here's the real punchline: Nintendo's big innovation for the Wii, its selling point, the ace up its sleeve with which it intends to bust Sony and Microsoft, is motion sensitivity. Swing the controller like a racket to control a player's strokes in a tennis game. Move it like a flight stick to control an airplane. Use it in all sorts of ways that are going to scare non-players away just as quickly if not quicker than traditional controllers. The possibilities are endless!

So let's take a look at this shitbox's target audience: people who don't like the complicated mechanisms behind modern games. People like my parents, who used to spend hours on the old NES but haven't touched a console since. I suppose it's possible that they might be slightly interested in the Wii's simple layout - but the instant someone tells them they have to wave it around to make Mario jump, they'll say "Fuck that, that's stupid" and go back to playing Dr. Mario on the Game Boy. There goes the target audience.

Still, some of the games are intriguing. Here's a list of the games Nintendo has announced for the console:

• Hip Hop Concert Simulator - Featuring all your favorite dead rappers (Biggie, Tupac, the ODB), players can utilize the revolutionary controller to wave their hands like they just don't care, pass a blunt while the cops aren't looking, and smack a whack bitch.
• Super Mario Bass Fishing
• Super Mario Trout Fishing
• Luigi's Tuna Fishing Adventure
• Mike Barrett's Sing-A-Long - Pound the remote against a table in rhythm with the musical stylings of everybody's favorite drunk, creepy old man. Miss a beat, and Barrett comments on how you're the worst crowd he's ever played for. Includes special two fingered attachment for "Fuck you, you suck!"
• Super Princess Peach's Nursing Home - When she's not being kidnapped by a big ugly lizard, Princess Peach is an active volunteer in the Mushroom Kingdom Elderly Community Home. From a first person point of view, play such exciting levels as "Feed Grandma," "Change the Bedpan," and "Give Old Man O'Leary a Sponge Bath." This is the kind of realism and immersion the PS3 and the Xbox 360 can only dream of!
• Wario's Gold Rush Adventure - That cooky Wario's out for treasure again! What a greedy bastard (you can tell because his mustache is crooked)! Shake the controller to pan for gold, or swing it overhead to mine with the pick axe! And look out for those dastardly claim jumpers!
• Hot Coffee - The Grand Theft Auto sex minigame makes its natural tranistion to the Wii, where the intuitive back and forth motion of the controller will bring in a whole new audience that feared the original rythmic tapping of not one, not two, but - gasp - three different buttons! So intuitive! On a side note, Slick Willy is ecstatic about the release of this game because Hillary will finally leave the house again to go bitch at someone else.
• The Master Bater - Think you've got awesome elbow muscles? Go online and prove it against all your friends! Built in avatars include Donkey Kong, Master Gator, and Dean Dean the Wankin Machine. Turn the difficulty up to hard to experience a black screen meant to simulate blindness!
• Get that Damn Pole out of Your Ass - Don't ask. I can't believe I included this one.
• John Madden Football - In order to execute a pass play, toss the controller into the air to make the quarterback throw the ball, then run under it and catch it to have the receiver haul it in. Also new in the Wii version - touchdown dances. Move the controller in a writing motion after scoring to have your player autograph the football and hand it to his agent sitting in the stands. Or, while playing as the Minnesota Vikings, make a rowing motion to unlock the special Love Boat themed Hot Coffee ripoff minigame - and then get traded to Miami.
• Super Mario Wii - The first Mario game played completely from the first person point of view. Water the mushrooms, write your name on the wall of Koopa's castle, or give the Princess a shower - all with a suspicious looking stream of yellowish liquid. The flower power up turns the golden stream into fire.

Holy shit, all that was a lot funnier in my head. Still, Nintendo's new console is going to be craap. I kind of wish I was still in Computer Science, just so I could hear some loser say he was going to skip class to play with his Wii.