Spreadin the good word

On his way to work this morning, Scott Colby was treated to an interesting performance by a rather unique individual. He's still not sure exactly what that performance was: the reading of a communist manifesto, an announced premonition of oncoming doom, a manic recital of abstract poetry, or some new kind of infomercial. Perhaps it was none of the above. Perhaps it was all of the above, with a little Jim Beam mixed in for good measure.

Regardless of what it was, I Stole Your Lunch is going to dissect it in an effort to help those poor souls subjected to it find some reason to continue living.

Short and stocky, yet otherwise relatively nondescript, the young man boarded the D Line at the Fenway stop. He immediately addressed his eager crowd, his showmanship readily apparent from his first bellow. "Does anyone have a dollar?" One hundred pairs of eyes rolled in perfect synchrony. Here was just another bum hunting for a bit of spare change when he should've been hunting for a job at Wal Mart.

But then he announced he was looking for a handout, but a trade. "My seal for your seal, my code for your code." A brave woman did as he asked so he would shut the fuck up. But he wasn't dissuaded. "Break the code down by fours, then build it back up, and see how much you have to give."

Four, by the way, is an incredibly powerful number. It's the number of yachts in Kelly Clarkson's backyard. She is going to give Scott Colby all of them so he can be the admiral of his own fleet.

He proceeded to announce that "The women will turn the red back to pink." Pink, as anyone who's anyone will tell you (or as anyone who watches Oprah but isn't necessarily anyone at all will tell you), is the new black. Therefore, it is I Stole Your Lunch's expert opinion that this particular gentleman is a former Banana Republic employee disgruntled with their new fall line, which features a significant amount of lumber jack style flannel. He's obviously predicting that the ladies will not enjoy the lumberjack look, and thus all the whipped men out there will avoid the Banana Repo like it was the Foggy Goggle, thus forcing the once mighty fashion giant to bring in a new line of pink turtlenecks, which the speaker obviously preferred.

He disembarked at Hynes, leaving the stunned crowd begging for more. After all, what audience could possibly be more receptive than a hundred or so men and women pressed much too tightly together that early in the morning.

Bleh, stop reading this crap and go do something useful with your life, like making a hefty donation to the Buy Scott Colby a Chateau Fund.