Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat

Giving out candy is a good thing. Unfortunately for the human race, there's always that one individual on the block who insists on handing out something different. That's right, Scott Colby is talking to you. Loser.

So if you do feel the need to be different, if you can't bring yourself to follow the crowd and hand out Kit Kats and Dum Dums like the rest of the world, here's a list of other very viable Halloween options.

• Nips - Mainly because forties won't fit inside a plastic pumpkin.
• Draft of a prenuptual agreement - Real friends protect each other from golddiggers (thanks Kanye).
• Ring dings.
• Cufflinks - Give your neighborhood the gift of bling.
• 3 x5 wallet shots of Scott Colby's toaster.
• Coupon for a free Happy Ending (at Friendly's you perv).
• Individually wrapped donuts.
• Wampum points.
• Anything your roommate owns that was purchased at Banana Republic.
• T tokens.
• Official "I Stole Your Lunch" apparel.
  
• Viagra- To raise the dead.
  

If you thought that list sucked, just wait - there's more! Without any further ado, here is Scott Colby's list of bad things to give trick-or-treaters.

• Matches.
• A subpoena.
• Your dog.
• Ammunition.
• Autographed photos of Brigitte Nielsen.
• Tickets to a cruise with the Minnesota Vikings.
• Your social security number.
• Pot holders.
• Kelly Clarkson's phone number (you don't want her, she makes way too much money for you).
• A shoe wedgie.
• Chicken soup.
• Your car keys.
• Land mines.
• The URL of this blog.

It's over. Go home.