ISYL EULA

It's come to my attention that I need to post more, especially if I would like to continue breathing. I don't doubt that the individuals who almost got Reagan would have no problem shooting at and merely wounding me, thus giving me a severe case of Alzheimer's disease and ruining my career as a professional gold digger. It would not do me well to forget exactly how much money Kelly Clarkson is worth. The often I ask, the more suspicious she becomes...

That said, my corporate contacts have brought to my attention that everyone on the Interweb is a criminal who is out to steal my intellectual property for their own vile uses. I Stole Your Lunch is a powerful piece of Americana which, in the wrong hands, could be used to generate trillions of dollars that may never get the opportunity to nestle in the soothing warmth of Scott Colby's wallet beside the 3x5 color glossy of the Best Toaster Ever, and that would just be a downright shame.

But you villains shall not succeed! I have been informed by my buddies at the top of Corporate America that there is one and only one sure fire way to protect that which is rightfully mine, even from dastardly old ladies, fiendish children, and murderous puppy dogs. Feast your beady criminal eyes upon the I Stole Your Lunch End User License Agreement!

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I Stole Your Lunch is Copyright 2005 me. All Rights Reserved, bitch. This blog may not, in whole or in any part, be copied, reproduced, transmitted, translated, teleported, eaten, painted, glued, breathed on, ported to Java, read as a bedtime story, or used as a wiping apparatus for any body part without the expression written consent, in writing, from me, and don't hold your breath for that to happen.

You are granted a limited license to use this crummy blog. The blog may be used or copied in accordance with the terms of that license as described in the following paragraphs, which apparently are not legally binding unless they are typed in all caps.

I. YOU MAY READ THIS BLOG, BUT ONLY WHEN YOU ARE CONNECTED TO THE INTERWEB. FAILURE TO CONNECT TO SAID INTERWEB BEFORE READING SAID BLOG WILL RESULT IN YOUR RIGHT TO READ THIS BLOG BEING REVOKED UNTIL YOU RECONNECT TO SAID INTERWEB.

II. THIS BLOG MAY OCCASIONALLY INVITE YOU TO PULL SCOTT COLBY'S FINGER, KISS SCOTT COLBY'S ASS, OR LICK THE FLOOR AT SCOTT COLBY'S FEET. NONCOMPLIANCE LEADS TO AN IMMEDIATE TERMINATION OF THAT GMAIL ACCOUNT YOU SIGNED UP FOR BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS COOL THAT YOU'VE NEVER ACTUALLY USED.

III. ANYTIME THIS BLOG BECOMES INCREDIBLY STUPID, SUCH AS DURING END USER LICENSE AGREEMENTS, THE READER IS REQUIRED TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT HE OR SHE BROUGHT THIS ON HIMSELF BY ENCOURAGING THE MORON RESPONSIBLE.

IV. THE WORD MOIST MUST NEVER BE USED TO DESCRIBE THIS BLOG. DOING SO MAY LEAD TO AN EXTREME CASE OF LEAKAGE.

V. BY READING THIS BLOG, THE READER ACKNOWLEDGES THAT HE HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO, PROBABLY NEVER WILL HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO, AND DESPERATELY NEEDS TO FIND A HOBBY (I STOLE YOUR LUNCH RECOMMENDS MACRAME OR PLAYING CHICKEN WITH THE T) OR ACQUIRING A SPOUSE, THROUGH THE MAIL IF NECESSARY (I STOLE YOUR LUNCH RECOMMENDS BULGARIANS).

VI. EXFOLIATION OF ANY KIND IS PROHIBITED WHILE READING THIS BLOG.

VII. IF YOU AIN'T NO PUNK, HOLLA WE WANT PRENUP. IF YOU IS A PUNK, GET YO WHACK ASS TO THE FOGGY GOGGLE WHERE IT BELONGS.

VIII. I STOLE YOUR LUNCH AND ITS SUBSIDIARIES ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR INJURIES, PHYSICAL OR OTHERWISE, CAUSED BY EXCESSIVE USE OF BULLETED LISTS.

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That's it. Click here to accept the agreement and donate $5000 of your grandmother's money to the Buy Scott Colby a Chateau fund. And no, that's not DRM you see installing in the background; that's the I Stole Your Lunch consumer protection system. It's good for you. It makes your computer happy. Don't even think about trying to get rid of it.

Stupid criminals. I hope you all rot in prison.