Scott Colby for President of the Internet!!!

Those of you who try to escape the dreary repulsiveness of the fact that you still live in your mama's basement by spending the majority of your time browsing the Intarweb know by now that there is a fierce battle over who will control the future of said Intarweb.

For those of you who spend your time pursuing more "productive" activities, like watching television or making lifesize paper mache models of Roy Orbison, hear this: there is a fierce battle over who will control the future of the blue e on your screen that creates the magic tunnel that takes your computer machine to www.foxwoods.com so you can see how many wampum points you have and when the next monster truck pull is.

The combatants: ICANN, a US government agency that's controlled the delegation of domain names since Al Gore invented the Internet; and the United Nations, that rascally bunch of nations with visions of world domination (but in a happy way).

So who gets control over the domain names? The United States, which is rapidly denigrating into a nation of fat ass yahoos with more "morales" than guns and more guns than brains? Or the United Nations, which couldn't Google its way out of a paper bag?

Neither!

What the Internet needs is an independent third party leader, free of the strangling bureaucracy, cronyism, and general not-so-fresh feeling of those two bloated organizations, a leader with the vision and the courage to strap a saddle to the bucking bronc that is the Internet and ride it until it has to be shot and carted off to the glue factory.

That leader would be none other than Scott Colby. Go ahead, he dares you to come up with someone better. Can't do it, can you? Kelly Clarkson is disappointed in you for even trying, you ungrateful loser. Look at all the (semi)quality entertainment Scott Colby has provided you with on his stupid blog. Shame on you!

Regardless, this entry's required bulleted list will outline Scott Colby's campaign platform to become President of the Internet:

• Scott Colby will create a new 12 step program for recovering users of Internet Explorer.
• pr0n, warez, and sploits for everybody! omg, teh w00tness!
• Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer will no longer be able to use his AOL account (yes, he got sucked in by that shiny disc they sent him in the mail, and even this guy's not dumb enough to use Hotmail) simply by entering his password. Instead, his computer will require him to recreate his infamous "Dance, Monkeyboy!" performance (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3446931931514285011) every time he wants to log in.
• Al Gore will finally be enshrined in the Internet Hall of Fame.
• Anyone with a mullet who applies for a domain name will be granted a site in the new ".walmartian" top level domain.
  
• Bulleted lists will become illegal.
• Mr T and his van will be dispatched to deal with any spammers by dumping several metric tons of real canned spam on said spammer's front lawn. By the way, T also works birthday parties and bar mitzvahs. Cheap.
• This will be your new homepage.

As you can see, the Internet would obviously be a much better place if Scott Colby were in charge. As usual, he has thought of everything!