Deport A-Rod

Dear President Make-A-Monkey-Face,

Please have Mr. Alex Rodriguez deported immediately. He might be about to commit a crime against the free world. Surely Scott Colby does not need to tell you this, as he is sure your wiretaps have already intercepted evidence to support his claims; he is merely writing to remind you that failure to act upon this evidence would be an act of treason this country hasn't seen since Cat Stevens became an Islamic extremist. You, dear sir, should go on television right now and ramble for a while about how some asshole, namely Mr. Rodriguez, is about to drop a great big steamer in the hat of freedom.

Maybe.

You've heard of the World Baseball Classic? Of course you have. Scott Colby was chatting online with a friend about it the other day, and he knows Dick Cheney's chief duty as Vice President is to read everybody's instant messages as they fly back and forth across the Interweb, just in case someone in Kansas is considering an abortion, and that he reports his findings to you five times a day. But just in case Mr. Cheney's cyborg kidneys were out of goat's blood that day, the World Baseball Classic is an event scheduled to take place during Spring Training, pitting the best players in the world against each other in a World Cup style tournament. Members of the winning team are excused from MLB's steroid tests until the next tournament.

So here's the problem. A-Rod might play for the United States.

Scott Colby says might, because one day he's playing for the Stars & Stripes, the next day he's playing for the Dominican, the next day he's sitting at home playing with himself...then he's playing for Uncle Sam again.

You do realize that whatever team he's going to play for is going to lose, right? And since there is no team for people with scary purple lips, it's either the United States or the Dominican.

So kick this fucker's ass to the curb already. You can even torture him a bit before you do it; no one will mind. Seriously. It's the patriotic thing to do. Just don't hurt him too badly...the United States needs him to play, so his innate ability to make his own team implode can cause the defeat of the mighty Dominican Republic. Do you really think the US team with Dontrelle Willis, Mark Texeira, and Brad Lidge can beat the Domican team with Pedro, Manny, Big Papi, Tejada, and Colon without outside assistance? That's right up there with thinking the United Nations will take an ambassador named after a horrible pop singer seriously.

So please, make sure he's on that team. If you do, Scott Colby promises the liberals will let you have Kansas. You can do anything you want to it - teach people that dinosaurs never existed, make everybody pray seven times a day facing Texas, pass a law stating that employers can only hire people they've already known for at least ten years - whatever you batshit crazy conservatives are into these days. You can have Kansas; please, just let the American people have the World Baseball Classic.

Sincerely,
Scott Colby, Ph.D
King of the Interweb and One Sharp Looking Bachelor