Lunchapalooza

As some of you Lunchkins may have heard, the apartment that Scott Colby calls home is up for sale for $1.5 million. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as the most likely negative effect of such a sale is that Scott Colby would have to learn how to spell the last name of the new landlord, which really won't be that tricky considering his prowess with the language.

Raul, however, is having issues with this. Convinced he is going to have to move, he cries into a pink shirt every night while trying to fall asleep. Mrs. Raul is finding it harder and harder to love a man she once considered a big burly lumberjack but now thinks of as nothing more than a horrible punchline in a second rate blog. She asked Scott Colby to find a way to make him quit his blubbering, and he said he would see what he can do.

After much thought (five minutes on the couch with a bottle of Harp qualifies as much thought in Scott Colby's world), it appears that the only way to guarantee that no one has to move is for Scott Colby to purchase the property himself. Unfortunately, he works at a nonprofit, and sales of ISYL merchandise have been extremely slow. "But Scott Colby, you are a golddigger! Have Kelly Clarkson or Natasha Bedingfield buy the building for you!" A week ago that would have worked - but then they discovered each other, and now neither will speak to Scott Colby. Women!

So all that's left to do is throw a kick ass party. At ten dollars a head, only 150,000 guests will have to show up. This will not be a problem, as Raul is very, very good at inviting everybody he knows, although Nick may need some help in that department.

Scott Colby gives you Lunchapalooza:

• Can't make it to the party? Well, for the low-low price of five bucks, you can have access to the live webcast. For another three dollars you can also access the hidden camera in the bathroom, and for another two dollars Scott Colby will sell you a plastic keyboard cover.
  
• Some whack mofo giving you shit? For three dollars, Scott Colby will have J-Rags serve him.
• Five big ones to have your picture taken with the Best Toaster Ever. Twelve if you want it to make you a bagel.
• Entrance to the Beirut tournament is free, because the drunker you get, the more likely it is you'll get rowdy and need to get served.
• Sometime around three in the morning, everyone will gather together in the backyard for a five minute group mooning of the third floor.
• Secondhand fat is prohibited.
• What's that? You want to know where the stinky cheese is, to go with your 20 year old red? Pay Scott Colby five dollars right now so he doesn't have his head of security, Chuck Norris, dropkick you into next week. If you're drinking wine, it better be straight out of the bottle, and that bottle better be in a brown paper bag.

One cannot throw a party of this magnitude without a few celebrity guests:

• Flava Flav - But only if he picks Hoopz.
• Lindsay Jacobellis - Because in her position, Scott Colby would not have gone for the silly little board grab. He would've popped off the full out backflip.
• Slick Willy - No explanation required.
• Chuck Norris - Head of security, with Don Johnson assisting.
• KT Tunstall - There is life after Kelly and Natasha.

Not invited:

• John Basedow.
• Anyone who's trips to the Foggy Goggle number in the double digits.
• The po-po.
  

Holy crap, three bulleted lists in one update! Is Lunchapalooza going to be awesome or what?