Happy NSAAM!

Halter Top Day has come and gone and the temperatures here in Beantown have climbed up into the high 80's, taking an existing problem and amplifying it ten fold. In response, I Stole Your Lunch would like to remind everyone that July is National Swamp Ass Awareness Month. Originally conceived by the overly sensitive nose of one Benjamin Franklin, NSAAM seeks to educate us all about the dangers of body odor and the steps that can be taken to prevent it.

Dangers:

• Smelling like swamp.
• Smelling like ass.
• Smelling like all of the above.

Preventative Measures:

• Daily bathing. Not just your face and hands; everything.
  
• Washing your dirty undies. Turning them inside out and putting them back on will not do the trick.
  
• Deodorant.
  

Sounds simple, right? And yet so many people get it so wrong. Many err so badly that they leave in their wake a stinky trail not unlike a rainbow of rotten eggs tracing the way to a pot of sour milk. In the spirit of Arizona's new immigration laws, the following set of stereotypes will aid you in recognizing and avoiding those afflicted with swamp ass.

1. Fat Man in Jorts - Perhaps the easiest to spot. The bigger you are, the more you're going to sweat on a hot day. Science has proven that a thick layer of denim keeps any potentially cooling breeze while simultaneously amplifying stench. Especially rank when carrying lost cheese or bacon in unreachable fat folds.
   
2. Sketchy Old Dude Brown Bagging It On The Bus - Do not dismiss this character's random shouts and seemingly inane rants - this is actually a complex mechanism of ecolocation evolved to replace the subject's blurry, often spinning vision. Little known fact: his sweat glands are where flavored vodkas come from.
3. Hippie Girl On A Bicycle - Often attempts many of the preventative measures outline above, but decreased mental function due to frequent crashes and/or use of too much cheap hair dye has left her incapable of understanding that organic soap made out of cabbage does not clean a damn thing.
4. Cab Driver - Orson Welles got it all wrong in "The Time Machine." It won't be factory workers that devolve into Morlocks, it'll be these half-man, half-machine horrors. As a very wise man sings every Thursday night: Boston Cab/ what's the deal?/ Who put you/ Behind the wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel?/ Learn the language,/ Learn to drive,/ Take a shower, try to get me home alive!
5. Anyone Leaving An ATM - These things are veritable incubators of swamp ass. If you see the tell-tale worn blankets and pile of garbage that mark an ATM as being stinky enough to have spontaneously generated a toothless hobo, just put whatever it is on your credit card lest you be jumped from behind and forced to sing hobo songs.
6. Jersey Shore Looking Douche Bag - If you haven't learned by now to avoid those exhibiting popped collars, frosted, spiky hair, and the hypnotic orange shimmer of tan-in-a-can, I Stole Your Lunch has yet another reason: these beefy buffoons typically skip the deodorant and just dump a 16 oz. glass of cheap cologne over their heads. Congratulations, fool, now you smell like cologne-covered shit.

I Stole Your Lunch hopes you enjoyed this little Safari of Stink. If not, blame loyal blogonaut Candace; it was her idea. Happy NSAAM!