Jack Bauer
There's a reason those terrorists everybody's so afraid of haven't been able pull off anything better than shoe bombs, underwear bombs, and other such clothing-related works of genius, and it's not because the Feds have limited the amount of toothpaste you can carry on a plane. It's because of these black ops types that we will never hear about. Who better to represent our shadowy, morally-ambiguous-but-well-meaning heroes than Mr. 24.
Ted Williams
Iconic ballplayer of the forties and fifties spent many of his prime years as a naval airman, flying 39 combat missions in Korea and occasionally serving as John Glenn's wingman. Often displayed the uniquely American trait of hating absolutely everybody. Conveniently his frozen, severed head will provide great reference for Rushmore's sculptors.
Tiger Woods
If there's one set of ideals the American Dream stands for above all others it's making money, getting famous, and collecting broads as if they're Pokemon and you gotta catch 'em all. Unluckily for Tiger he left his Pokedex where his wife could find it.
Hulk Hogan
He's got the red, white, and blue running through his veins. He successfully fended off both the Iron Sheik in the 80's and Sgt. Slaughter in the 90's when that no good maggot defected to Iraq and started burning Old Glory on live TV. When handed a microphone he is the modern day Abraham Lincoln. The Big Boot/Atomic Leg Drop combination has felled more evil foreigners than Teddy Roosevelt, the Patriot Missile, and the Predator drone combined. Get him up there.
Interesting aside: I Stole Your Lunch tried very, very hard to add a woman to this list. For a whole twenty minutes our crack brain trust suggested and then cast aside suggestions including Vanna White (discarded because most Americans can't afford a vowel anymore), Paula Deen (not enough stone in the Dakotas for giant, poofy hair), Janet Reno (leading candidate until intern reminded us that epic dance parties were actually led by Will Ferrell in disguise), Elin Woods (feisty but Swedish or something), and Sandra Bullock (being just so damn cute and likable are not traits for which the country is known). Tank Girl, Princess Leia, and Judge Judy also received various levels of support, but none of them seemed to fit. Are we here at ISYL just stupid? Are we missing someone? Is it Hollywood's fault because they'd rather have a big, strong man rescue Angelina Jolie when they should just hand her a pair of shotguns and tell her to shoot terrorists for 120 minutes while wearing nothing but an American flag? Is it the media's fault that our most influential female politician is known mainly for scaring her cheating husband so badly that he was willing to lie about his adultery in front of a grand jury? Is there something lacking in the X chromosome that prevents female songwriters from dreaming up ditties about how America is awesome and everyone else can go to hell? Are women merely less susceptible to jingoist baloney? Regardless of the answer, I Stole Your Lunch finds this problem quite troubling.
Hold on - I've just been handed something:
Serena Williams
Tennis is the only truly international sport that Americans care about on a regular basis rather than just every four years and then only for pretend because it's an excuse to drink and Serena's right at the tippy-top of it. Routinely beats the crap out of the perfect blonds the Russians keep cranking out in secret Siberian genetic labs. Athleticism not hindered in the least bit by badonkadonk unique to American women.
You're a placeholder for now, Serena. Consider us locked in eternal deuce until the Anti-Palin comes along and dropkicks the sexism out of the country or until Toby Keith gets that operation. Hopefully they will look kind of alike so we won't have to completely rework the monument...
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