Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Let's Make Fun of the T Some More!

Why the hell not? After all, they're kind of asking for it after leaving an entire train full of commuters stuck between South Station and Worcester for four hours last night. And this is after that very same train broke down on the very same line earlier that morning. It's nice to see that they're working hard to fulfill that promise of improved service.

Unlike the MBTA, I, however, am about to do something to improve your mass transit experience. Here's a fun list of things to do the next time you're stuck on a disabled train, bus, boat, or The Ride.

  • Debate purchase of a horse. Will he cost less per month than that stupid rail pass? Will he smell better than the other people on the train? What will you name him? What will you get bedazzled upon his saddle? How many times a week will you let him drop a giant horse dump on the commuter rail tracks? Answers: Yes, Definitely, Aloysius the Destroyer, "The destination of this train is: Your Mom," Every Damn Day.
  • Sing hobo songs. You're on a damn train to nowhere; a little "Jimmy Cracked Corn" is certainly called for. Anyone that doesn't join in is a terd.
  • Make a new friend. Surely that grimy individual in the corner is not just talking to himself, but crying out for companionship. That woman beside you who has no choice but to stare at your chest because there isn't enough room for her to turn and look anywhere else is certainly in love with your fine ass. And the buttery dude who's giant thigh is spilling into your lap just wants to make sure you're keeping warm and cozy. A friendly game of "I Spy" is surely in order.
  • Talk loudly on your cell phone. That guy leering at you is just jealous that he has no one to talk to. Help him live vicariously through your intelligent banter.
  • Fart, then blame the old lady next to you.
  • Compose haikus for the conductors in the hopes that they'll give you a free ride (ON THE TRAIN!!!!! GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!!!!).
Meh, that was pretty bad. Like the T.

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