A Note on Charlie Sheen

I've been trying to resist the urge to add to the pile of crap being written and said about this dude, but today's firing from "Two and a Half Men" pushed me over the edge. And not because I get to write a silly sentence wondering whether the show is now "A Man and Half" and if the actor who plays the half man's parents just shared the world's largest sigh of relief.

No, I'm excited because, by the Force, VH1 had better have Charlie on speed dial. If they play their cards right and can find enough coke, they've got at least six years of content coming their way. A sample:

• "The Glorious Sheen of Love" - Charlie and sixteen young gold diggers move into a swanky mansion that may or may not be the same building in which Sumthin dropped a deuce on Flava Flav's carpet. Every week Charlie eliminates one very sad lady by handing out vials of pure tiger blood to the ones he'd like to keep. Challenges include recitations of "Hot Shots Part Deux," brawling on a baseball diamond with Roger Dorn, and getting made fun of by Charlie's special advisor, Denise Richards. The last girl standing gets to babysit Charlie's children.
• "The Glorious Sheen of Love 2" - Having scared off the previous season's winner in just under three weeks, Charlie and sixteen young gold diggers move back into the swanky mansion that may or may not have been the same building in which Pumkin spat all over New York. Challenges include recitations of "Platoon," a rousing game of Name that Sheen, and getting made fun of by Charlie's special advisor, Denise Richards. This season will produce the conception of at least three children, one of whom belongs to special guest Emilio Estevez. At the end, Charlie will decide that he's got just too much love for one woman and will decide to keep four lucky ladies.
• "The Glorious Sheen of Love Boat" - Having traded all four of last season's winners for a monster truck full of mushrooms, Charlie once again convinces the network execs to cull sixteen willing sacrifices from the ranks of America's skankdom. Not to be outdone by rocker Brett Michaels, Charlie takes these lovely ladies aboard his yacht, "Just Winnin'." Challenges include reenactments of "Spin City," a soda snorting contest, and being made fun of by Charlie's special advisor, a Somali pirate they picked up in a life raft. Nautical nonsense ensues.
• "The Glorious Sheen of Love Girls: Charm School" - Self explanatory. Hosted by Chelsea Handler and Chuy.
• "Celebrity Rehab" - Charlie moves into a halfway house with six other celebrities. He and costar Lindsay Lohan run away three episodes later. The show is immediately canceled, once again leaving Dustin Diamond on the street to fend for himself.
• "Charlie and Lindsay: Untamed" - Shot entirely by the happy couple using FlipCams and terrible night vision. Highlights include long, ridiculous rambles, blurred out private parts every seven minutes or so, and lame explanations regarding what's always hanging out of their noses.

Seriously, VH1, you need to make this happen. CelebReality has fallen so far since the golden days of Flava Flav. Please restore some hope to the genre. Please?