Things for Which I Would Trade John Lackey and Carl Crawford

• $20 and a urinal cake to be named later.
• Beach buckets and shovels.  Everybody loves building a sand castle.
• Manny Ramirez.
• Pedro Martinez.
• Pedro's midget friend (RIP).
• Trot Nixon.
• Ozzie Guillen.
• Skeeball tickets from Good Times.  Despite the fact that the Emporium is naught but a gaping crater, these irredeemable tickets somehow seem like they'd be more useful than Lackey and Crawford.
• Carlos Zambrano.  Don't tell me the Cubs wouldn't do it.
• Frank McCourt.
• A bucket of extra tasty crispy.
• Hell, I'd settle for original recipe.
• A thirty rack of Narragansett and two bags of Pop Chips.
• A better place to sit in Diesel Cafe.
• A ski mask and a shotgun.  No, I'm not planning anything.  What makes you say that?
• Oceanfront property in Oklahoma.
• A submarine with a screen door.
• A toilet that somehow thwarts the Coriolis effect and always flushes in the opposite direction in which it should be flushing.
• Brady Quinn and Matt Leinart.
• T tokens.
• A trip around Africa aboard a Somali pirate ship.
• An autographed Lindsay Lohan ankle tracking bracelet.
• Someone larger than the big guido playing backgammon in the corner to tell said big guido to button his Hawaiian shirt the fuck up.
• Paper towels and toilet paper.  You can never have enough of either.
• Some actual blogging skills so I can write something more intelligent than a random ass bulleted list.
• Whatever the hell the Angels, Nats, Mets, or Orioles are willing to give up.  At least one of them has to be interested.