Two weeks in one

Yeah, I missed one. Sue me. I've been planning something spectacular, and it's proven more difficult than I thought. I believe I've finally discovered the right mixture of flat Diet Coke, Jack Daniels, meat lover's pizza, and horrible baseball announcers to bring this idea to life.

So tonight, as I watch the Tigers and the Twins in eager anticipation of Charm School, I'm going to play matchmaker. You can send Pumkin and Mr. Boston a thank you card.

• First off, ESPN Sunday Night Baseball announcers Joe Morgan and Fat Old White Guy could make thermonuclear war about as interesting as watching paint dry. Or, if you prefer, they could make Hottie's weave sound as breathtaking as Krazy's singing career. Don Orsillo sounds downright boisterous in comparison.
• But either one of them would've been a better host than Mo'Nique.
• Our first couple of the evening: Goldie and Tango. He wanted Tiffany, but he got New York? If Tiffany's New York, then Goldie's Delaware. She's boring, and she'll like his mother, and she'll do a great job organizing his closet so he'll always be able to find the matching cap that came with his suit.
• The Sox need to trade Wily Mo Pena to the Twins for starting pitcher Boof Bonser. Not because he's good, as he appears to be a Rich Garces waiting to happen, but because the cheesy NESN commercial featuring Hazel Mae saying "Boooooooooooooooooof!" will amuse me for days.
• Boof reminds me of a young David Wells: big dude, sick curveball, bitch ass attitude on the mound, baggy unifrom that his children could use as a pup tent. Someone get this kid a handle of Beam so he'll pitch a no-hitter.
  
• Actually, scratch that - he could very well be pregnant, and we all know that a bun in the oven plus too much booze equals what happened to Schatar.
  
• Couple number two: Smiley and Romance. They both need someone sensitive, and "their song" can be "Cry Me a River." Or any of the fifty-some-odd pop songs titled "Cryin'." The tissue industry will thank them forever.
  
• Why is Andre Agassi hosting "National Bingo Night?"
  
• Krazy and 12-Pack. Now playing on Cinemax at 2 am every Thursday night.
  
• Seriously, these jackasses in the ESPN booth make Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler look like the original Monday Night Football crew. The hack that just gave up 6 runs in three innings is only the third player in MLB history with the initials "V. V."? Really? Glad you were here to explain that to me, because I probably would've just put those two V's together and thought he was a W.
• Someone get me a fake paternity test so I can tell people my real father is Bruce Campbell. Seriously. If I could pick a famous father, the list would go like this: Bruce Campbell, Bill Murray, Vince McMahon. Honorable mentions: Pedro Martinez, Chance.
  
• Think it's tough finding something for your mama on Mother's Day? Something tells me New York spent at least two and a half hours crying in the bathroom this afternoon.
  
• Mama Boucher: Did they ever catch that go-rilla what escaped from the zoo and punched you in the eye?
  Bobby Boucher: N-n-no, mama, the suspect is still at large. Sister Patterson is still on the TV.
• Bootz, Buckeey, Chance, and Real. They can trade every week.
• Let's take a second to examine the show's title: "Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School. Starring Mo'Nique." Excuse me? I know thirteen girls who should be moderately pissed that Fat Tyra gets top billing. Find me one person that started watching this show just because they were such a huge Mo'Nique fan, and I'll expand this blog to include in depth analysis of Celebrity Kind-of-out-of-shape Club.
• Oh boy, business! And custom perfumes! Here we go:
• Becky's scent - the backseat of the '76 Camaro that's been on cinder blocks in front of her trailer for the past fifteen years.
  
• Pumkin's scent - the sheets at the Worcester Holiday Inn.
• Darra's scent - waffles.
• Saaphyri's scent - gorilla.
• Schatar's scent - complete bullshit with a side of nylon.
• And those who aren't with us anymore aren't immune!
• Toastee's scent - the floor of the Foggy Goggle.
• Krazy's scent - crystal meth and Ashlee Simpson albums.
• You know what? From now on, Saaphyri's immune unless she does something completely ridiculous. She's the only one with a decent head on her shoulders, and she would've won Flavor of Love Season 2 if she hadn't made a complete mess of herself in the first minute and a half. I really hope she and Flav are friends on MySpace.
• How much did Buckwild's boob job cost? Worth every penny, although she should've spent the money on her teeth.
  
• As long as these things don't smell like Mo'Nique, they should be alright.
• T-Weed and Shatar. Because they both suck at faking sophistication. I could see them going to Match with Nick.
  
• Buckwild and whatever member of Marc Hebert's Traveling Circus will have her and her one black and white striped tank top.
  
• So...this judge that isn't Mo'Nique or Keith...where the hell did the producers manage to find Omarosa's castrated sister?
• I think Larissa's jaw is stuck. She's literally had a "wtf" gape going for the past seven minutes.
• No way that's the first guy that's asked Pumkin to spit on him. And if I was that dude, I'd feel ripped off. The loogie that hit New York in the neck was five times that size.
• So when these people call Mo'Nique by her first syllable, are they saying Mo or Mo' ? This matters.
  
• "Everything I learned, I learned in a strip club." Quote of the night.
• Leilene and White Boy. He seems like he also learned a lot in strip joints.
• None of these people could figure out how to unplug a phone. One of them would pull a wire, and the toilet would stop working.
• Mr. Boston, start picking cans. You got to buy your woman some ass implants.
• I get the impression I'd like Shay a lot more if she wasn't always hanging on Larissa. Larissa's like the refried beans I didn't ask for that ruined an otherwise wondrous burrito.
• ...and the structural engineers take a deep breath as Fat Tyra crosses the floor...
• ...and we have evidence that the producers are just keeping around the most combustible elements.
  
• WAIT, OTHER PEOPLE FIT ON THE SAME TOUR BUS AS MO'NIQUE? GOD DAMN, THAT'S A QUADRUPLE WIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  

Chaaaaaaaaaaahm School

A quick note: after watching last week's episode again, I've realized that Nick has missed his calling. If he was to become an etiquette coach, he could continue to criticize people based on nothing other than his own made up standards, except then he'd get paid for it!

• I just realized how much I missed that weave since the last time I saw it.
• I'm beginning to suspect that Buckwild only brought that one black and white striped shirt.
• Remind me never to hire Mo'Nique's stylist.
• "I don't dress like a slut, I dress like a slot machine." We've got the quote of the night in the first four minutes.
• Yes, Buckwild, skulls are trendy...with fifteen-year-olds who spend too much time in Hot Topic.
• Actually, Goldie, they do sell couture in Wal-Mart - in the section with all the John Deere hats.
• That crazy weatherman on the New Hampshire channel would've been a better host than Princess Fiona - I mean Mo'Nique.
• I vote no on extreme close ups of Hottie.
• Charm School Girl Myspace page of the week: Pumkin. 75% like Scarlet Johansen my ass. Although I generally dislike stuffed animals, I'm thankful for that teddy bear.
  
• I get it - impress the fat woman by implying large is beautiful. And they think Hottie's sneaky.
• Holy shit, those are the largest nipple blurs I've ever seen, and somewhere MacGyver is crying over the fate of that tape.
• Colin Mochrie would've been a better host than Mo'Nique.
• Wait...the outfit inspired by an entire continent isn't the one on the huge girl?
• Ever wonder how different the world would be if Saaphyri hadn't been kicked off Flavor of Love in the first five minutes? Rather than Charm School, we'd be watching the Flav / Saaphyri wedding special. She's got a huge rack, weird hair, a strange way of speaking, and she might be a man - in short, she's Brigitte Nielsen's long lost sister. After this show, I bet she runs off with an effeminate Frenchman.
  
• I want to be a general in the next revolution in styling.
• God damn it, why is my connection timing out when I try to sign up for the next I Love New York? I can't wait to be "Mr. Worcester" or "Lumba Jack."

What makes gas station coffee so damn good?

Several possibilities come to mind.

• The dedication and talents of the smarmy-looking man behind the counter responsible for brewing a gas station's coffee. His name is Leandro, and he learned his trade from a reclusive wise man atop a llama infested mountain. When he's not percolating a perfect canister of java, he's rocking a pair of aviators in his bright white 1974 T-Bird while cruising for chicks. Although it's entirely possible that I'm making all of that up, one thing's for sure: he's got a totally rocking 'stache.
• Pumping a beverage gives it a certain delicate bouquet usually ruined by a more traditional pour.
• That's not french vanilla flavoring - that's the taste of melted paint chips peeled from the mossy side of Leandro's garden shed.
• The coffee filters are made of the same space age material as Hottie's weave.
• Substitute sugar substitute (no-name brand in a pink wrapper to look like Sweet'n Low or a blue wrapper to look like Equal) is really equal parts crystal meth, crack cocaine, and the dried tears of virgins sacrificed to the volcano.
  

A new season of VH1 Celebreality

It's Scott Colby's favorite time of year! You knew this was going to get him blogging again, didn't you?

• When did "Celebrity Fit Club" become "Celebrity Kind of Chubby Club?" This year's cast could stand to lose a few pounds...but put all of them together, and they weigh half as much as the Biz or Steven Tyler's not famous other daughter's left leg.
• I turned on "Flavor of Love: Charm School," and there was Mo'Nique. I turned the channel because I thought I'd accidentally tuned in to "Celebrity Fit Club."
• Katie Couric would've been a better host than Mo'Nique.
  
• When the girls are expelled, they don't go home. Mo'Nique eats them. Think of the ratings next year on Fit Club when that crazy drill instructor makes Mo'Nique do seven push ups and she sweats out Buckwild.
• I'm moderately concerned about the number of small animals that have died in Hottie's weave. I suspect she's got half a pet cemetary up there. That wierd bump on the left side of her head could quite possibly be Elian Gonzalez.
  
• And by the way, her hiding of Krazy's dresses in the kitchen cabinets was absolute genius. Best reality TV moment since Boston Rob proposed to Amber.
• Elisabeth Hasselbeck would've been a better host than Mo'Nique.
  
• These women absolutely hate each other, and it's the best part of the show. And they're doing it all for a mere $50,000. This is a milestone in modern television. I guarantee we'll see at least three shootings, four stabbings, and two girls being choked to death by Hottie's weave. It's possible we could see all three of these things happen at the same time.
• Commercial break. Is it bad that I was extremely amused by the site of nine people piling into a station wagon in front of Boca Grande last night?
• "She's a whack ass bitch who has a whack ass weave and I don't like her whack ass ass." Profound.
  
• Everytime anyone has anything bad to say about Hottie, they mention her weave. I'm glad Nick finally explained to me what a weave is, or I'd be extremely lost.
• That answers a question that's been bothering me for a long, long time: skid-marked underwear is indeed blurred out when it appears on cable television.
• Flashback to the "I Love New York" reunion. At first, I was extremely skeptical of Pumkin and Mr. Boston being together - but now I'm convinced it was meant to be. I can't wait for VH1 to air the wedding ceremony live from the Foggy Goggle.
  
• How is it that the only girl to get kicked off Flavor of Love before the naming ceremony seems to be the one with the clearest head on her shoulders? I'm hoping it's only a matter of time until Saaphyri breaks a chair over someone's face, takes a bite off of Mo'Nique's nose, and chucks a bus through the front of the house with one hand.
  
• You know, I'm intrigued by the fact that the "head mistress" of this charm school, Mo'Nique, probably wouldn't be able to win this competition. If you notice, they only bring her in after one of the girls has made an absolute ass of herself. They never make her do anything difficult, and during eliminations, she just does her best impersonation of Tyra Banks in "America's Next Top Model." Although, maybe that is Tyra...I heard she was gaining weight.
• By the way, Tyra would've been a better host than Mo'Nique.
• So would Vince McMahon.
• And Wayne Brady must've been available.
• Or at least Sharon Osborne.
• Holy shit, I'm two years older than Bootz! She's done two shows, and I haven't done any. Time to get my reality TV career in order.
• And Krazy's going home. Hottie and her weave triumph again (shit, that's where she should've hidden the dresses).
  

On the topic of email

I've been reading and hearing more and more about how communication through email isn't as personal or effective as a face-to-face meeting or a phone call. Apparently people think email is cold, emotionless, and devoid of intonation.

Poppycock, I say. These people simply do not know how to read and write.

Email, after all, is just another form of written communication. You wouldn't call Shakespeare "emotionless." And if you told Oprah one of her precious book club offerings was "devoid of intonation," she'd probably eat you (and I mean every last bit of you) so she'd gain a hundred pounds and have an excuse for another weight loss special.

It all comes down to the fact that most people try to write the way they speak. This doesn't work. You can't just jot down whatever stream of conciousness crap flows through your pea brain and assume people are going to understand it. You have to think about what you're writing and consider the best way to present the exact tone you're trying to convey. It's really not that difficult.

And when all else fails, toss in an emoticon or two. After all, what could be clearer than this:

:( You're fired! ;) :0