The Cleverest Thing Scott Colby Has Ever Thought Of

For the majority of this fine day, Scott Colby had planned to grace your Interweb screen with a stupid update about how people need to learn how to fucking walk. It was all but completely written in his head when all of a sudden a ray of heavenly light tore through the idiocy and one hell of a good idea popped into his head.

Seriously. It's not just a good idea; it's actually borderline intelligent, almost Seinfeldian in scope.

Remember how in the late 90's it became royally uncool to smoke? Remember how one day no one gave a shit, then all of a sudden anyone who dared light up in public was all but stoned to death? Remember how the talking heads on the boob tube needed a word to describe the ill effects experienced by nonsmokers who only supposedly suffered those ill effects because they spent time around smoking people, so they invented the term "secondhand smoke?"

Lost yet? Don't worry, it gets funny soon.

So after the media beat that second hand smoke thing into the ground so far it couldn't dig itself out with anything less than a nuclear explosion, they needed something else. They declared obesity to be the new smoking, the next big American cultural stigma. Fat people, they predicted, would soon face the same degree of disgustedness as smokers.

When nonsmokers experience bad things because of time spent around smokers, it's secondhand smoke. Therefore, when healthy people have negative experiences due to the larger portions of the population, it's secondhand fat.

No, you moron, you're not going to get lung cancer from spending too much time around fat people. The effects of secondhand fat are far more subtle, and yet infinitely more horrible.

Let's say you can't fit on the train because there are a few people who realistically should be charged for three seats are clogging the aisle worse than Raul clogs the crapper when he comes home for five minutes twice a week. That's secondhand fat.

You know how McDonald's raised their prices and reduced their portions because some 400 pound eight year old who ate nineteen Happy Meals a day shat out the Hamburglar then had a stroke? That's secondhand fat.

The constant quakes that rattle the sidewalk outside the Foggy Goggle on a Friday night? You guessed it, secondhand fat. There are millions upon millions of examples. Secondhand fat could have its own website, and the dufus running it could update it twice a day for the next 37 years.

Not convinced that secondhand fat is the cleverest thing Scott Colby has ever thought of? Think about it. Then go to the bathroom mirror and try to say it a few times with a straight face. And then if you're still not convinced, remember that this is Scott Colby we're talking about here, and the majority of the things he thinks of are decidedly not clever.

So spread the word. Make secondhand fat a part of your daily vocabulary. If you're a teacher, set aside half an hour or so to discuss secondhand fat with your class. Go around the room and have each child describe a time when secondhand fat had an effect on them. Don't be surprised if there are a few misty eyes; it can be a tough thing to talk about, but it must be discussed. Plus, you'll totally be Teacher of the Year material, at least on this blog.

Scott Colby supposes he is lucky there are no fat people who read his blog. Some big boned people, sure, but no one who really, really qualifies as fat. Otherwise, there would probably be an army of buffalo chicks on his front lawn burning Kelly Clarkson posters.