A Message to America's Children

Hi kids! Are your parents mindless sheep who believe everything the news media tells them, even worthless pieces of crap like this:

http://www.cbs47.tv/news/local/story.aspx?content_id=1D2AF830-7799-412B-96BB-F757EECA9674

That's right kids, the media is trying to take away your Nintendo. Playing video games is worse than doing drugs or pissing in the holy water, don't you know. CBS even went so far as to provide a list of 25 common sense things your parents will try to trick you into doing that they never, ever would've come up with on their own. Do not fall for these dastardly activities! They may seem tempting to your little five year old minds, but that's just because you don't know any better! They will ruin your childhood in ways you can't possibly understand.

Create a skit to perform in front of your friends? Why would your friends turn off Half-Life 2 to go watch your stupid ass act? And if they do forsake the games to come see you, you might want to think twice about whether you actually want those losers to be your friends.

Discover activities in your community center or local park? Are you trying to get abducted? Does it want to put the lotion on its skin?

Make a necklace or other jewelry out of beads? Sing and dance to your favorite songs? If your father's any kind of man at all, he wouldn't stand for that crap. And if he does, it may be time to think about dropping out of school to join the military so you don't grow up to be a total wussy.

Unfortunately, no matter how much you object, there's no way in hell your parents will let you turn that Xbox back on after they've read that article. It's kind of like how they cut all the pull strings out of your favorite hoody after they saw that "When Sweatshirts Attack!" report on the 11 o'clock news, or when they took away your Transformers because Bill O'Reilly claimed the whole line to be a liberal plot to convince children that jets and guns are bad. That was a horrible example, but it just proves how dumb your parents really are.

So what is a kid to do when his or her parents decides building a model car, boat, or plane is more constructive than fragging the Flood? Get even, that's what!

See, it all works on the idea that you will have lots and lots of time to spare when your parents lock up the video games. However, if you can convince them that video games are a safer alternative, you win!

So here is the official I Stole Your Lunch List of Ways to Get Your Xbox Down Off That Really High Shelf in the Closet, presented in bulleted list form so as to be immediately superior to CBS's numbered list.

• Locate the VHS tape of your parents' wedding. Record several dozen John Basedow commercials over the only copy of the ceremony.
• Ask them where babies come from. Every five minutes.
• Find three stray cats. Label them 1, 2, and 4, and release them in your parents' bedroom. Repeat the process two weeks later with raccoons.
• Remove the batteries from every electronic device in the house.
• Siphon the gas from your parents' automobiles and sell it on the side of the road.
• Uninstall Internet Explorer.
• If it's that time of year between November and March, constantly turn the thermostat down to 62 degrees.
• Invite a hobo over for pancakes.
• Make them read you I Stole Your Lunch as a bedtime story.

Ha! It only took Scott Colby nine ideas to counteract that list of 25! Eat that CBS!