A Message From the T

Heidy ho there, the T here. This blog has been looking a bit sparse and crappy lately, so I figured I'd take advantage of my standing invitation to speak my piece.

On that note, I'd like to announce that Operation Isaac Newton has been a complete success. While some of my advisors were a bit skeptical about the possibility of those in charge of the Big Dig actually thinking that hanging big ass concrete tiles from the ceiling by thin strips of metal would be a good idea, it turns out that I was right and they were wrong. Ridership has skyrocketed since the accident, just as I planned. Now, if my agents can just convince the tunnel contractors that candles are just as good as flourescent bulbs, I'll have it made! That's right, automotive industry; public transportation just left yo ass for a white girl!

I'm also quite pleased to announce that the number of confused tourists has nearly quadrupled since my semi-introduction of the Charlie Card. Soon, these idiots will learn that reading up about the subway system on my website is actually a good idea. Then I will make bazillions with my Google ads. Click fraud that, biatch!

All the Massholes out there in Interweb land will also be happy to know I've finally devised a fool proof way to get the handicapable onto and off of the train. All new cars will be equipped with a large robotic arm. I call it: the Cripple Crane! The Cripple Crane will hoist the disabled onto the roof where a set of super powerful magnets will take firm hold of their scooter, wheel chair, or "magic shoes." After all, we can't have cripples falling off our train! They're liable to cause more damage than a plummeting concrete panel! The ACLU has fully signed off on our plan despite the fact that the new system has proven ineffective for assisting peg-legged pirates. It turns out that peg-legged pirates have their own special interest group, and they routinely kick the ACLU's ass at beer pong.

Anyways, that's about it for me. This is your friendly neighborhood T, signing off!