Myth or Reality?

While waiting for a Lechmere or North Station train in Government Center on my way to work other day, I noticed an advertisement on the side of the tunnel. It was divided along a diagonal, with one side red and the other yellow. One side read "Myth: Antidepressants eliminate all symptoms of depression" or something along those lines. The other read "Reality: Over seventy percent of people on antidepressants still experience symptoms of depression" or some such. The only thing both sides had in common was an infuriating lack of periods. A website mentioned in small print across the bottom of the advertisement promised further enlightenment.

My first thought, of course, was that I was going to have to start walking to work to avoid the Scientologist propaganda that was sure to soon overrun the entirety of the MBTA. Then I saw a few similar bits of crapvertising that cast psychiatric medicine in less of a negative light, and I realized it was just a stupid public information campaign.

And yet I still felt the need to start packing a Sharpie so that I might improve these blights upon the MBTA's otherwise lovely tunnels. Then I realized that I'd either just lose the Sharpie or trip over the tracks and break my neck while trying to get to the offending posters, so I figured I'd just take care of this need in blog form. Blogging about it also allows me to keep my glass of whiskey out in the open, rather than having to conceal the entire bottle in a paper bag whilst defacing stupid ads.

And awaaaaaaaaaaaay we go...

Myth: Obscure advertising is a great way to get people's attention.

Reality: Obscure advertising is a great way to make dumb people scratch themselves in confusion and make smart people queef a bubble.


Myth: Scott Colby takes the T to work.

Reality: Scott Colby ghost rides the whip to get anywhere and everywhere he needs to go.


Myth: I'm going to take my headphones out of my ears to talk to every homeless bum who tries to stop me on the street.

Reality: Take a bath and get a job. Then go fuck yourself.


Myth: You're depressed.

Reality: Your blood alcohol content is too low, and you may be suffering from an acute lack of donuts or pie.


Myth: How come everytime you come around my London-London Bridge wanna go down?

Reality: I ain't no hollaback girl.


Myth: This is just a cheap variation on the bulleted list style pioneered by I Stole Your Lunch.

Reality: This whole thing is written in iambic pentameter. Prove me wrong if thou can, Mercutio.


Myth: Anna Nicole Smith is dead.

Reality: Anna Nicole Smith is filming a pornographic video with Elvis, Tupac, and Biggie on the Hollywood set used to fake the moon landing. The soundtrack is being written and performed by Axl, Slash, and the rest of the original Guns 'n Roses for their reunion tour.


Myth: I can't download "I'm No Angel" from the iTunes Store because they don't have any Greg Allman.

Reality: I've been missing the second "g" on the end of Gregg Allman's first name for the past month and a half. C'mon baby...c'mon let me show you my tattoo...


Myth: Wow! This blog just gets better and better with each successive update!

Reality: You're a dumb shit. The first five or six entries were good - you should read those, then give up. The rest is crap. In that regard, I Stole Your Lunch is a perfect mirror for Kevin Bacon's movie career.


Myth: This is your brain on drugs.

Reality: This is Scott Colby on a bottle of Smuttynose Winter Ale, two snifters of Jameson on the rocks, and a piece of sausage pizza.