Things I Think I Thought While Going to the Pourhouse for Guinness and Food (But Mostly Just Guinness) Rather Than Waiting To Get My Haircut

I was about to start with a sentence apologizing for not being able to identify the source of the little black dot that appeared at the beginning of this update as soon as I started typing, but then I realized it was something stuck to my screen and felt stupid. It won't come off.

First off, I'd like to announce this year's fundraiser for I Stole Your Lunch. For every $25 you donate, J-Rags will ghostride the whip for a quarter of a mile. For $50, you can dictate the particular sequence of moves he'll attempt to execute for that quarter of a mile. Want to see him transition from the Lawnmower into the Funky Chicken into a hood slide into the Macarena into that dance he does whenever he gets drunk and decides to dance with a slutty girl? Pony up, bitches! All proceeds go to the Scott Colby Emergency Jack Daniels Fund, which benefits underpriveleged children in poor neighborhoods whose only reason to live is being able to read I Stole Your Lunch for free over the neighbor's wide open wireless network.

Tonight I had a second dinner of tater tots, peas, and corn. This is the only vegetarian meal I've had in the past six years. No way this wonderful bounty would've found its way to my plate if Nick hadn't spent so much time watching Food Network. Rachel Ray would be proud.

I saw the gravy boat at the gym again. Seems she's found a new job sitting on the backs of meatheads while they try to do push ups.

Anyone else notice the direct corollary between negative press for Britney Spears and good press for Christina Aguilera? Smart marketing on Christina's part. Britney couldn't get on Oprah now if she was a fifteen year old with three kids who'd written a sappy ass novel about her life.

Go away, I have a girl to talk to.