The First Annual I Stole Your Lunch Science Fair

Hell, if a bunch of Creationists are qualified to run a Science Fair, so am I.

Suggested topics:

- Locate the man responsible for the term "enhanced interrogation techniques" and determine how many sessions with the waterboard it will take for him to reclassify this method as torture.

- Prove the indestructibility of Hottie's weave. Would this make a good replacement for the thermal tiles that fall off the space shuttle?

- Collect the slime growing on the floor of the Foggy Goggle and apply it to the inside of the Statue of Liberty. Prove the slime's paranormal powers by using an NES Advantage controller to manipulate Lady Liberty into rescuing the baby from Vigo. Secondary objectives: track down Rick Moranis's missing career and find out how Dan Aykroyd got so damn fat.

- Using a line graph, plot the amount of time it takes for a Taco Bell fueled fart to travel from one end of a Green Line Trolley to the other using the facial expressions of the other passengers as your only measurement device.

- Determine the number of times you have to say "dirty bomb" into the telephone before the NSA wire taps send the black helicopters to come get you. Note: this is best done from the home phone of someone you would like to see disappear - and I don't mean David Copperfield.

- Construct a replica of Noah's Ark to show how Noah's nautical standards are not quite up to par with Scott Colby's. Suggest good locations for a helipad, a hot tub, and a taxidermy station.

- Use a Venn Diagram to illustrate the Loch Ness Monster's insistence on receiving hand outs of exactly "tree-fitty."

- Fake a paternity test. Note: bonus points for tricking a celebrity.

- Apply a thick layer of Bruce Campbell's sweat to the biggest loser you know. Does said loser suddenly become the coolest kid on the block or does he just begin to smell really bad?

- Perform plastic surgery on a family member with a garden trowel and a bucket of spackle. Could such a procedure help New York's mama look less like a man?

- Determine the best beer for use in a game of pong based on factors such as taste, rate of inebriation, and cup stability.

- Examine the effects of a Woot Off on average office productivity.