Why I'd rather go to a Nationals game

At a Red Sox game, you're trapped shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of drunk douche bags afraid of the letter R. At a Nationals game, you're shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of empty space and every letter in the alphabet gets equal respect.

At a Red Sox game, if you get in a fight with someone, the drunk douche bag probably deserved it. At a Nationals game, there's a chance that your opponent is a lobbyist, in which case serving him up a heaping helping of knuckle sandwich will help make the world a better place.

At a Red Sox game, you get classy, modest, polite young ladies in pink hats and Uggs who don't know what OBP stands for but know all the words to the Neil Diamond sing-a-longs. At a Nationals game, well...you don't.

At a Red Sox game, you have to live down the fact that the Sox were one of the last franchises to dispatch with the racist bullshit. At a Nationals game, you have to live down the fact that the Nats were once the Montreal Expos. But at least you can laugh at that.

At a Red Sox game, you have to watch the shell of Big Papi and whatever ancient former slugger the other team is trotting out at DH strike out three times and/or hit right into a ridiculous shift even though the opposite side of the diamond is open wider than Paris Hilton's, um, hotel. At a Nationals game, you get the bunt and the double-switch, neither of which is a euphemism. Although double-switch might work.

The nail in the coffin: At a Sox game, you get Wally the Green Monster. Meanwhile the Nats trot out the biggest bad ass in all of American history: Teddy F'n Roosevelt. Deeeeeeeeeeeeeee-lighted!