I Know What I Want for Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!

Check it out!!!

Sweet Baby Mother F'ing Jesus. What force on this green earth could possibly be powerful enough, poignant enough, and bad ass enough to wake me up from my blogging malaise and spawn the first update in the month? A toilet with a touch screen and all kinds of ridiculous features, of course! It's as if heaven started delivering port-a-potties. Seriously, let's just run right down the list of features.

• Two different flush settings. One uses less water. Officially, this is just to appease the hippies and let the marketing folk use words like "eco-friendly." We all know the real reason this is attractive to your average consumer: because it's fun to flush things at different speeds. I had a burrito; do I need flush-eco or flush-full? What about during the morning after a trip to On the Hill Tavern? How many action figures can I flush with each setting? This feature will surely make the Numi a mainstay in high school science fairs sometime in the next ten years.
• Automatic cover lifting. If you stand in front of the thing, the seat raises for you. Then the entire thing closes when you're done. This is great if you live with someone who's easily frightened by the sound of a slamming seat.
• Adjustable bidet. F toilet paper. The bidet can even be programmed to clean itself every night, either with water or with UV rays. That's right, ladies and germs: this is the first toilet on the planet that could conceivably give you skin cancer if you stuck your head in it, making the swirly oh so much more threatening.
• Dryer. Again, F toilet paper. No longer shall your delicate bottom be scraped and scoured with extremely thin lumber byproducts! Air dry it, the way nature intended.
• It can be programmed to play its theme song when you enter the room. I'm not kidding. It says hello.
• Music. Because poop just comes out easier when you're listening to Ke$ha.
• Heated seat. Nobody likes a cold bum.
• Flush progress reports. That's right - it's got a gosh dern progress meter. No more tentatively lifting the lid to make sure the dessicated remains of last night's chili con carne made it all the way down.

And all this...ALL THIS...is controllable via touch screen. This is the most amazing thing on the planet. Thank you, Kohler, for making all of my commode dreams come true.

Author's Note: This is what happens when you drink tequila after working out for an hour.