As amazing as the Numi is, it could be even better. Here are some features that should be added to make it even more perfect:
- Cup holder. Whoever forgot to include this in the original design is an idiot.
- Customizable entrance music. As noted in my previous post, the Numi can be configured to play its theme song when it detects someone approaching. It's a soothing, friendly tune accompanied by gently crashing ocean waves. But that's not going to help me get the job done. I want to be able to reprogram it to play something that will pump me up and get me ready to go to work. Something that will tell the digested remains of my lunch that it doesn't stand a chance and might as well just give up. Preferably something with a Lil Jon cameo. Oh, and I want fireworks, too.
- The Mr. Hanky Early Alert System. The Numi will tell you the progress of the things that are going down, but what it really needs is a means of alerting you to the arrival of things trying to come the other way. No more being surprised by Christmas poops or baby alligators that the rich neighbors ditched in the sewer.
- A less square design. This thing couldn't look anymore like an Ikea foot stool if it tried. My boycott of all things Swedish is still in full effect. Those bastards bulldozed Good Times. Put some curves on the Numi, please.
- Seat cooler. Ever sit down on the john immediately after a fat person used it, only to be greeted by that disgusting warm feeling radiating from the seat that says "Haha, someone else's ass was just here, and it was heavy and fat and now you're basking in its afterglow?" The seat cooler will automatically dissipate excess fatty heat to make your crapping experience as pleasant as possible.
This is the part where I would write a few sentences of conclusion if I felt like doing so. I don't. Be glad you even got this update, you ungrateful jerk.
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