Things I can't do because I don't have an ass

Let's face facts: although I like to tell people who can't actually see my derriere that it is voluptuous and delicious, in truth, my butt is flatter than an Olson twin. There's just nothing there, and in certain situations this has proven to be a serious handicap.

• I can't sit in Fenway Park for more than three innings. I don't actually want to spend $8 on a warm Bud Light, but it gives me an excuse to get up and move around and let my cheeks de-compact themselves.
• I can't make it clap. I've tried. It doesn't work. Nor can I shake what my mama gave me or back that ass up. I can pop it and lock it, but under no circumstances can I properly drop it. My asslessness has relegated me to a rather pale set of dance moves that include the Sprinkler, the Lawnmower, the Bus Driver, and standing in the corner looking awkward and trying not to make eye contact. I'm really good at that last one.
  
• I can't ride the stationary bike for more than 20 minutes. This is not good for my physical fitness. I may start bringing one of those inflatable donuts.
• A round of birthday spanks is like a trip to Guantanamo Bay. No, thank you, I really don't need you slapping me in the ass bone 28 times. Just buy me a High Life or a shot of Jameson and go away.
• I can't take the atomic drop. It would probably break me in half. Just finish me with a DDT or a big elbow instead.
• I can't change the dead bulb in my ceiling light. NO THIS IS NOT BECAUSE I'M A LAZY SHIT. It's because I have nothing soft to land on in the event I fall off the ladder. Opening the curtains is easier, safer, and better for the environment anyway. And the ladder's all the way upstairs. And I don't remember where the light bulbs are. And the Red Sox are on. And I have things to do.
  

Perhaps someday, when my hordes of loyal blogonauts number in the thousands rather than somewhere in the low tens, I will host a benefit gala for the purpose of raising money for some butt implants. But then I'll probably just spend the money on beer and pretentious sandwiches with dumb names.