That's Just Criminal

Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis recently took time out of his busy deodorant hawking schedule to chat with ESPN's Sal Paolantonio. During said interview, Mr. Lewis made a rather bold claim: if there's a lockout, crime rates will increase because "There's nothing else to do, Sal."

Now, Ray-Ray - can I call you Ray-Ray? - I respectfully disagree. Very respectfully. Please don't send your planet-blasting, jet-powered raven after me! It seems to me, Ray-Ray, that there are plenty of things to do without football, even though I will miss it worse than I will some day miss my liver. Something tells me that, come Sunday without the NFL, most people's first reaction isn't going to be to go rob someone.

No, Ray-Ray, these are the trends we'll see during a locked out season:

• Declining divorce rates. No football. No fantasy football. More lawns getting mowed, shelves getting installed, trips to Ikea getting taken, mothers-in-law being visited, etc., etc., etc.
• Climbing suicide rates among married men. Fellas, just look at the above and tell me it doesn't send a little shiver down your spine.
• Less Joe Buck. Hmm, that's a plus.
• A sharp drop in sales of fabulous suits. Without Deion Sanders and Shannon Sharpe needing a fresh outfit every week, men's wear as we know it may never be the same. I hope you like tweed.
  
• An increase in large men shaking what they've got on the dance floor. With no end zone in sight, nose tackles have to get their groove on somehow.
• A marked increase in the quality of...er...ah...service at your local Hooters. Cheerleaders need work too.
• A sharp drop in brain hemorrhages caused by wasted time outs and stupid challenges. Also known as andyreideurysms, this terrible disease will go the way of polio, smallpox, and
  
• A ridiculous rise in the number of prima donna wide receivers with reality TV shows.

And Mr. Lewis? If you need something to do, I suggest setting up a school where you teach rhythmless white boys like myself how to do that cool dance you do when you come out of the tunnel before the game. Just think how popular I'd be if I could bust out the Ray-Ray at parties.

P.S. While writing this I watched "Stone Cold" Steve Austin make some big farm boy cry. Stone Cold, I miss you and you should be in charge of eliminations at every reality show between now and the day I die.

P.P.S. While writing this I also saw the tried-and-true wrestling trick of hitting somebody with a car. That never gets old, especially when the medic finally shows up after a few minutes of awkward yelling for help and the following exchange ensues:

Medic: "What happened?"
Tag team partner: "HE GOT HIT BY A CAR!!!!!!!"
Medic (under his breath): "Uh, not again. Hopefully the man behind the wheel was somebody better than Rikishi this time..."

P.P.P.S. Also, he got hit in the leg and they are clearly treating his knee. Why the hell are they playing the beep of a heart monitor in the background? Vince, you're losing your touch.