What the Rapture Means for You and Me

According to all manner of billboards, buses, placards, brochures, pop-up ads, newspaper inserts, toilet paper, fortune cookies, town criers, chain letters, and notes passed in the back of the classroom when the teacher isn't looking, May 21 is the date of the rapture. Some dude has some math that supposedly proves it, but it's too ridiculous to print here. Jedi like me aren't going to get raptured-we don't go to heaven or hell, we just turn into blue ghosts who magically turn into different actors twenty years later. And, let's face it, if you think my shit is funny, you're probably a terrible person who isn't going either. So what does Judgment Day mean for you and me? For starters, it means you get a bulleted list. That's right, I'm laying it down for you in the language of the Metatron himself.

• It means free stuff. It a ton of people just off and disappear, well, somebody has to take advantage of the crap lying around. Why shouldn't it be us? Just think of it all: homes, electronics, food, cars, boats, and probably a shit ton of land in Texas. All there for the taking. And beer! Think of the beer!
  
• It means everybody else was proven wrong. No more solicitations by well dressed young men on the street. No more people ringing your door bell right as you sit down to take a dump. And just think of all the hot young Muslim ladies who, having been proven wrong, will literally let their hair down for the first time and lose all of their inhibitions. Ohhhhhhhh man.
• It means fewer people clogging up the line at Dunkin in the morning. This one might make it worth being damned for eternity.
  
• It means parties. Crazy, ridiculous, outlandish parties, the kind you see a couple of losers throw in an 80's flick that magically turns them cool, with Molly Ringwald and/or a computer generated genie/bikini model. All the aforementioned beer has to go somewhere, and I can't be counted on to drink all of it. Some of it's going to be Stella Artois, and there's no way I'm touching that shit.
• It means lots of available billboard space.
• It means the T will finally learn how to operate like a real mass transit system. You know, because it's the end of the world and all.
• It means awesome reality TV. "Fourteen and Pregnant with the Antichrist." "Survivor: Rapture." "Levi Johnston's Alaska: Where the Fuck Did all the Palins Go?" "Are You Smarter Than a Horseman of the Apocalypse?" "Flavor of Love: Last Time, We Promise!!!" And of course, that oldie-but-goodie, "Jersey Shore," with all of the original cast members.

I hope this has been informative. I'm going to watch some wrestling now.