You. Me. Serious Discussion. Now.

I can't put this off any longer. There's a problem of the utmost importance that I need to address before it becomes a full-fledged conflagration that ruins my life and the lives of those around me. Bare with me, folks. This won't be pretty.

Recently many people have questioned my taste in bathroom hand soap. Tonight, I squelch all future questions about my preference in pumpable sanitary foam.

Whilst perusing the hand soap aisle at Johnny's Foodmaster last Saturday afternoon (tangent: If Johnny himself isn't the Foodmaster, as the possessive implies, then who is? And why does he allow himself to be indentured to Johnny? Didn't Abraham Lincoln put a stop to this kind of arrangement?), I realized I was faced with a life-altering decision, one that we all have to make at some point in our lives but which even the best of us is never completely prepared to face: did I want pretty flowers, or did I want Spongebob Squarepants? I chose Spongebob. Before you get your Judgy McJudgeypants in a twist, allow me to explain why I took the path I took.

Spongebob Squarepants lives in a pineapple under the sea. Flowers live in fucking dirt. Said dirt is often fortified with warm, stinky manure. There's nothing clean about that.

Spongebob Squarepants is friends with Patrick the starfish. Flowers have no friends. Old ladies decapitate flowers and put them in their hats. Rabbits and cows and horsies and other animals little girls claim are cute eat flowers and then shit out their remains. Obviously, flowers are not the choice of anyone who cares about his public image.

Spongebob Squarepants makes hamburgers. Crabby Patties, to be exact. When's the last time you saw a flower in the kitchen? Oh, that's right, when it was sitting in a tiny little pot on the window sill, watching you while you did all the work.

Absorbent and yellow and porous is he! Flowers eat all the sunlight. Leave some sunlight for the rest of us, assholes.

Spongebob Squarepants has a pet snail that meows like a cat. Flowers have bees that sting you and make you express your discomfort with language your mother would not be proud of.

Spongebob Squarepants tries really hard to be friends with Squidward. Flowers wait for you to make the first move, and even then your relationship is strictly a one-way street. You water them. You put them in the sun. You kill the weeds around them. Then they spit pollen everywhere and try to have babies in your eyes and you itch like a motherfucker.

I could go on for days, but I do believe I have proven my point. Spongebob Squarepants wasn't just the correct choice, he was the only choice. Anything less would be uncivilized.

No, I can't believe I wasted 450 words on this either.