While you are filming your new movie, "Ted," in the Greater Boston area, you really should look me up. I am so much better for you than your current boy toy, Macauley Culkin. Let me count the ways:
- Four out of five dermatologists agree that I am 28.74 percent less pale than Macauley Culkin. Think of the money you'll save when you only have to buy SPF 500 rather than SPF whatever-is-28.7-percent-more-than-that. My calculator app is all the way down in my dock. Do the math yourself.
- I have about a dozen loyal blogonauts. You'd be picking me up before I was cool. In today's world, that means a lot.
- You don't really believe nothing happened between him and Michael Jackson, do you? You'll save money on psychiatry bills with me over the long run.
- I can grow a beard. The closest he can get to a beard is when he does that thing with his hands on his face.
- I'm like a cross between Hyde, Fez, and Kelso, all of whom your character banged on That 70's Show. Macauley Culkin is just an albino, anorexic version of Eric Foreman.
- I would look a lot more dashing behind the wheel of your magnificent yacht. I've spent most of my life training to become a charismatic sea captain. I've already got the beard, and with your resources I'm sure we can find an appropriate hat and pipe.
- I recently completed my first novel. There will be a movie version. You'd be perfect for the role of the Witch. Think about what Black Swan did for your career; now imagine how much further a starring role in my direct-to-Youtube masterpiece will take you.
- In case of a home invasion, I will be much more efficient when it comes to protecting you. One guy gets a baseball bat to the knee caps; the other gets a fork in the eye. And then we get away and live happily ever after. Do you really want to be kidnapped because your protector is too busy trying to tie a paint can to a length of rope and setting it to swing downward at someone who steps on the third tread in your front stairs? I didn't think so.
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