You've gone off the rails, Dunkin, since Fred the Baker died. If he were still around this shit would NOT be happening, although I think he would certainly approve of the Big N Toasty. Although it should be called the Medium N Toasty, that thing is the modern day ambrosia. You can tell when you feel your blood flow start to slow. That's not a clot, it's the warm embrace of the gods telling them how much they love you.
But I digress. As always, I'm here to help. Take this update to your next big planning meeting and show it to all the out-of-touch pencil necks in the board room. Here's a handy-dandy list of things no one wants to buy in a Dunkin Donuts:
- Dunkin Steak Tartar on a croissant.
- Dunkin Salad with choice of "salad dressing" that's really just coffee flavors mixed with vinegar and oil.
- Dunkin Sushi. Yes, even if it's glazed and shoved between two pieces of Texas Toast.
- Dunkin Brazilian Wax. No, I don't want to be as smooth as Fred.
- Dunkin Pomegranate. Just because everybody else is putting pomegranate in fucking everything doesn't mean you have to jump on the bandwagon too.
- Dunkin Vodka. Any liquor sold in a plastic bottle is a no-no.
- Dunkin Spaghetti and Meatballs. You're not fooling anyone; I see the Chef Boyardee can in the garbage.
Oh, to hell with this. Let's make this simpler: if it isn't obviously for breakfast, don't fucking sell it. There's nothing wrong with being the breakfast people. When I want breakfast, I go to a breakfast place; when I want lunch I go to a lunch place. Don't encroach on lunch's territory. You will fail. Lunch is a territorial bitch that will cut your balls off and mail them back to you in the bottom of a Coolatta. Just stick to breakfast and caffeine and everything will be ok.
No comments:
Post a Comment