Home Run Derby

Major League Baseball has introduced a new wrinkle to its yearly display of tater-popping power. American League Captain David Ortiz and National League Captain Prince Fielder each get to pick four players from their respective leagues as part of the first team-based Home Run Derby. Big Papi will surely pick Manny Ramirez, Johnny Damon, Kevin Millar, and Mark Bellhorn, leaving Prince to pick a bunch of other vegetarians while his father, Cecil, watches sadly from the front row, bat in hand, looking for all the world like the fat kid who never gets to play.

BOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG. I hereby throw down the gauntlet to Sr. Ortiz and Mr. Fielder. I'm bringing my own team to the Home Run Derby to kick ass and take names and hopefully woo Alyssa Milano, who goes through baseball players like I go through six packs. Hell, if she'll go out with Brad Penny, surely she'd trade up to an Interweb Celebrity who comes out of nowhere to brazenly steal the Home Run Derby.

• Brady Anderson. Mostly because Rafael Palmeiro is too busy popping Viagra and Sammy Sosa is starting to look like the second coming of Michael Jackson. Somebody's got to bring the greenies.
• Ugueth Urbina. His main job will be to glower angrily at opposing batters.
• Ugueth Urbina's machete. The machete will aid Sr. Urbina in his attempts to scare the hell out of people.
• Katniss Everdeen. I need someone with the experience to thwart the life-and-death competition that is the Derby. I warn you now, Bud Selig: do not fuck with the Mockingjay.

I'm sorry, this post sucks. I'm out of practice. I didn't have much of a plan outside of the joke about Big Papi putting the 2004 Red Sox back together. And with my luck Alyssa Milano would probably go home with Ugueth Urbina's machete.