Hypothetical situation:

Let's say you sign a lease with a landlord. Let's say the landlord is going through a divorce. Let's say his wife, who lives in the building, produces the results of a civil case against her husband, which states that she has the right to collect rent from the tenants on the property you've lease from her husband. Who the fuck do you pay?

In typical scolbified fashion, I Stole Your Lunch has devised several solutions to your hypothetical problem, because without I Stole Your Lunch, you'd be set adrift upon a constantly shifting sea of doubt and uncertainty. It would be kind of like that feeling you would get were you to wake up next to a girl you brought home from the bar the night before, only to realize in the dim morning light that there's no way in hell she's 18, never mind 21. And her father's the local mafia boss.

Solution #1: Put both their names on the check. This way, they can fight over it themselves. Make sure the "for" line reads "To douche bags, for being douche bags."

Solution #2: Bury the check in a secret location. Draw two maps to said location. Give one to the husband, one to the wife. First one to find it gets the rent.

Solution #2A: Utilize Solution #2 on September 18, which happens to be International Talk Like a Pirate Day. The rent check can now legally be referred to as "booty," the prospective landlords as "scalawags," "scurvy scoundrels," or "douche bags of the sea." This way everyone can get in on the holiday spirit! Ship ahoy!

Solution #3: Stare at the sexy toaster.

Solution #4: Contact your local hax0r. Have him hack into the bank accounts of said douche bags to make it look like both had received rent checks from you. Pay him in Mountain Dew, Cheetos, and Xena: Warrior Princess pornographic fan fiction. Then kick him in the balls for calling himself a hax0r.

Solution #5: Ladder match in a steel cage. Yes, Scott Colby watched wrestling the other night. Yes, he's slightly embarrassed, but he also slightly doesn't give a crap what you think of his viewing habits. Hulk Hogan would approve.

Solution #6: Turn both douche bags in to the RIAA for sharing illegal copies of Kenny G's latest CD.

Solution #7: Scour the writings of the wise men and women on Blogger until you find something that looks like a good idea. Everyone knows that blogonauts are a font of legal advice.

Solution #8: Fake your own death. Dead people don't pay rent. This also provides the opportunity to strategically "haunt" said douche bags. A small investment in white face paint and a chain or two can go a long way. If you make a really, really good ghost, you may even cause said douche bags to once again embrace the Christmas spirit. But don't be surprised if the cable company still manages to track you down.

Solution #9: Go back to your home planet. That would be URANUS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Solution #10: Kill the rest of the twelve pack and write a dumb blog about it.

I Stole Your Lunch sincerely hopes one of these solutions works for you. Try them singularly, or, if you like to live dangerously, in various combinations. And no matter how bad it gets, just remember: some day, you may have tenants that you can screw over too. Hooray!