First Post From the Porch - Kelly vs. Natasha

Maybe it's the cool June breeze. Maybe it's the scent of freshly cut grass wafting from the neighbor's yard. Maybe it's the something in the crud growing on the decking. Whatever it is, I feel the need to finally put to rest the Clarkson/Bedingfield feud, thus choosing one and only one pop star to begin a monogamous relationship with. It shall be one for the ages, a classic duel fought with timeless weapons - bulleted lists.

Kelly Clarkson - Pros

• Spunky.
• Looks really, really ridiculously awesome when wet (see last year's VMA's).
• Very first American Idol, and none of her successors are worthy of scraping gum off the bottom of her shoes.
• Mischievous glint in eyes betrays inner wild child and possible desire to be spanked.
  
• Has released two best-selling albums, thus avoiding one-hit-wonder status.

Kelly Clarkson - Cons

• Could possibly weigh 300 pounds by the time she's 35.
• Just listen to "Since You've Been Gone" and "Walk Away"...obviously damaged goods.
• If I ever have to dump her in accordance with the Two Month Rule, she would probably break into my apartment and delete all the saved games on my XBox (see music video for "Since You've Been Gone").
• Keeping her in pristine condition (soaked) could prove expensive and laborious.
• America voted for her to win American Idol - and America is stupid (see George Bush).
  

Natasha Bedingfield - Pros

• Army of walking stereos for protection.
• Firmly attached to a single hair color.
• Has seen success both in the US and in her native Britain.
• Completely content to ride in elevators all day (which means she's a cheap date).
• Glamorous smile betrays her inner diva.

Natasha Bedingfield - Cons

• Last name sounds a lot like Brookfield.
• Babysitters to watch walking stereos could be costly.
• British. Hence, there's no way in hell those are her real teeth.
  
• Has so far produced only one best-selling album, potentially making her the next Natalie Imbruglia.
• Greets everyone who enters elevator with slightly creepy stare.

So what has this in depth analysis meant to me? It seems there is only one possible conclusion I or anyone else can come to: it's time to dump these two losers and aim for Nelly Furtado.