Fourth Place

According to a report on Forbes.com, Boston is the fourth drunkest city in America. Number three was Columbus, Ohio, and the top two were cities in Wisconsin.

Am I disappointed? Not particularly. There's a damn good reason those three cities beat us: the people in Wisconsin and Columbus are so ugly that it takes a six pack and a half to make anyone who lives there look even remotely attractive.

"But Scott Colby!" you protest, as if you've actually got something worthwhile to say. "Following that logic, doesn't that mean that Boston is home to the fourth ugliest female population in the nation?"

Hell no! We don't drink because our women are ugly. We have more complicated reasons for our alcoholism:

• Like the latest stinker from those fucking Red Sox.
  
• Or in celebration of the Patriots' latest victory.
• Because it's a Wednesday afternoon.
• Because the people passing by on the street filled my cup with change.
• Because it's nice out and you have a porch.
• Because in the process of sitting next to you on the T, some fat bitch more or less sat on top of you. And when you scooched away from her into the inch of free space between you and the wall, her ass expanded to follow you.
• Because the Best Toaster Ever said it was a good idea.
• Because you're searching for something, anything, to erase the memory of all those horrible bulleted lists.

Coming soon: the worst MySpace profile EVER.

Not sure irony is the proper term

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/business/sixel/4137785.html

Or, for the lazy who just want the specifics:

"As for the least likely lunch bandits, Buffini said, it's managers because of the scrutiny they're under from all sides, as well as "hero" departments like information technology, which come to your aid when you're down."

By no means does this article mean your Lunchables are safe. You forget that I am really an English teacher who just plays an IT guy at work.

While we're on the topic of idiocy...

On a recent repeat of the Colbert Report, my idol Mr. Colbert interviewed the author of a book claiming that our children are being pushed too hard in school. A combination of standardized testing and pressure to compete with other students, she said, was ruining their educations.

I sat there quite flabbergasted. "Horseshit," I told the TV. "That's not the reason those little bastards can't order a Big Mac without making Ahmed want to move back to India. It's because they're focusing on the wrong subjects." The television didn't seem to care, so now we're fighting. WHY DOES IT NEVER LISTEN TO ME?!?!?!?!

Neither standardized testing nor competition amongst students is an inherently bad thing. What's wrong with the current system isn't the fact that it's difficult - it's that it's focusing on the wrong areas.

See, here's the thing all these so-called education experts are forgetting: the basis for all learning is communication. If you can't read, write, or speak, the amount of information you can absorb is severely limited. And I'm not just talking the kind of book learning you get in school...I'm talking everything, from how to ride the train to *gasp* how to order a cheesy bacony delight. That's right - if you can communicate properly, you'll find it much easier to reach your goal of becoming a quarter-ton, bed-ridden slob who's had three quadruple bipasses by the time he's twenty-five. Hooray!

Seriously, though, there's a reason why our students are falling behind the rest of the world in math and the sciences, and it has nothing to do with the way those subjects are being taught. It's because their piss poor communication skills restrict the amount of information they can absorb. To put this in terms everyone can understand, it's like Flavor of Love. Taking a dump on Flav's floor reduces your chances of staying until the end so you can get a modeling contract and dump him a few months later.

So I say keep the standardized tests and the competition - but make them focus on reading, writing, and speaking. Focus on these subjects at the younger ages, even if it means reducing the amount of time spent on other subjects, especially history. What, you've taught these kids about the damn Pilgrims three years in a row, and some of them still think Christopher Columbus was the captain of the ship that brought them to New Jersey? Gee, maybe that's because they can't fucking read! Get the kids up to snuff on their communication skills early, and every other subject will be that much easier later on.

But guess what - this task can't simply be left up to the school system. Here's a list of things that you can do as a parent to ensure that your precious little bastard doesn't piss off Scott Colby in the line at Quizno's:

• Monitor your child's online activity for incorrect language. Install an instant messaging client that will not send any messages that contain grammatical errors. And if you catch your son or daughter on MySpace, no dessert for week.
• Do not allow your children to read any gaming magazines or websites. Those people are fucking stupid.
• Got children under three years of age? Do not, under any circumstances, leave them to watch one of those cracked out shows where the LSD-inspired characters just sit there making stupid noises for half an hour. This is more or less the equivalent of performing your first home lobotomy on your son or daughter. Instead, Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers, or the Daily Show will suffice (I threw that last one in there so they don't grow up to be Republicans). MacGyver will also work in a pinch.

This paragraph should be the conclusion to another entry in perpetually growing list of ridiculous tirades, but I can't think of anything worthwhile to put here. I'll attribute this to the fact that I spent five years learning about Old Sturbridge Fucking Village when my teachers could've been teaching me how to write a proper conclusion.

"No Child Left Behind" my ass

Despite President Monkey Face's best efforts, our children are being left behind...when it comes to being able to order at fast food restaraunts.

This weekend I had the pleasure of dining in both Burger King and Quizno's. I was privy to ordering disasters at both fine establishments. The idiots in the line in front of me and the people working behind the register just could not understand each other.

Now, I'm sure all you Republicans and Southerners out there are thinking "That's probably because there was an immigrant behind the counter." This is true - in both Quizno's and the BK Lounge, it was quite obvious that english was not the first language of any of the employees.

But here's the thing - the mix ups, the confusion, and the delays were not their fault. And I'm willing to bet that 95% of all fast food ordering catastrophes are the fault of the customer.

See, when the idiots in front of you walk up to the counter and say "Yo, I'll have one of those with the bacon and the cheese," and there happen to be multiple artery cloggers on the menu that involve those two ingredients, something annoying is bound to occur. However, when I stepped up to the plate and asked for a number 9 with a diet coke, or an italian sandwich with everything on white bread, there were no problems. The people behind the counter understood, which is all that matters, regardless of how much of the language they speak.

"But if the people behind the register aren't sure what I want, they should ask me to clarify," is what you'd be asking me if you were Rush Limbaugh. To which I would reply, "They do, and they did, and the customers couldn't and generally can't." "I want one of those" is not a helpful answer. And after a few answers like that, the employees realize you're a dumbass and decide they don't want to deal with you anymore...so they ring up the first cheesy bacony delight they can think of and hope you'll go away...just like any red-blooded American employee would do at his or her job.

So next time you start thinking about the things you'd like to say or do to the slow, confused cashier if only you had a little bit more nerve and a rucksack full of squirrels, stop and think about the situation. Chances are the problem is with the asshole on your side of the counter...and if you're eating in one of these joints, there will definitely be a problem with the asshole on this side of the counter later on, if you know what I mean.

How life can learn from video games

They say that in life, it's the little things that count. Here are a few little things from video games that would make real life that much cooler.

• Treasure chests. How righteous would it be if you were walking down the street, minding your own business, and all of a sudden you see a treasure chest hiding under a fire escape? Open it up and you're a few bucks richer just because you happened to get to the treasure chest first.
• Exploding barrels. Is some ignorant frat boy macking on yo baby's mama? Shove his ass into an exploding barrel!
• Fatalities. The first fight on the new season of Flavor of Love would've been so much better if the fat girl had torn the skinny girl's spine out and used it to decapitate her. Then the announcer would've said "You win," the word "Fatality" would appear on the screen written in blood, and some funny looking dude would've popped up in the corner and yelled "Toasty!" Then the drunk girl of that name would've stumbled in and threw up all over the fat bitch. Now that's good TV!
• Being able to steal shit without repercussions. Just wander into someone's house (nobody's door would ever be locked, and if it was, just look for the treasure chest with the key in it) and steal all their stuff while they're staring right at you. And they don't give a flying fuck.
• Pause. Oh shit, did Kelly Clarkson just get drenched at the VMA's again? Hit pause and enjoy the moment for as long as you want.
• Turtles that don't squish when you jump on them. For those of us who love stomping on turtles, but hate scraping the mess off your shoes. On second thought, cross that one out. PETA doesn't need something else to bitch about.
• Drinking potions from strangers that give you full health. In video games, no matter how sketchy that guy standing at the bus stop looks, if he gives you something, it's something that's going to help you out in some way. In real life, if you drink the funny colored liquid you got from the shady guy on the corner, chances are real good that you'll wake up in the gutter the next morning with a burning sensation between your legs and a sneaky suspicion that something bad may have happened to you.