Popapalooza

While we're on the subject of fixing things, let's talk about what I can do to help the Catholic Church out of their latest bugaboo. It turns out that the clergy's inability to keep its hands to itself was not exclusively an American problem; reports of abuse are pouring in from every corner of Europe, including the church-thingy where Pope Eggs Benedict was once in charge - while he was in charge of it. They've got a shit storm on their hands, and they're dealing with it in the typical Catholic manner: trying to pretend it never happened.

But there's a better way. The Church needs to make a radical change. It needs to replace the Pope. Just not with another scary old white guy. They need someone young and vibrant who looks like he might have a pulse, who's accepting of the modern world and understands the unique challenges faced by today's flock. Luckily, I Stole Your Lunch has the perfect candidate. He's even got a year of Poping experience under his belt.

So we're going to replace this guy, who may or may not fight back by shooting lightning from his fingertips:








With this guy:



Ladies and gentleman, loyal blogonauts everywhere, I present to you the new leader of the Catholic Church: "The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero. Replacing old Ratzy with the above professional wrestler is a great idea because:

• It rains money wherever he goes.
• Gives away his awesome sunglasses to one lucky kid in the crowd when he makes his entrance, potentially drawing the younger generation to Catholicism.
• Would have the best Popemobile ever, with 22-inch spinners, ground effects, and a gaggle of ho's I mean nuns to ghost ride that whip wherever it goes.
• Would have no trouble dispatching lunatics who jump the barrier to attack him.
• Effective, engaging public speaker who gets the crowd involved and delivers his message in a memorable way.
  
• This Pope is pimpin'.
• And Popetacular.
• And will not scare away small children with Uncle Festeresque grin.
• Imagine the drama when he's giving the Easter address to those gathered in the Vatican and all of a sudden Ric Flair's music hits and the Nature Boy comes out to start a rumble.
• No need to worry about little boys; comes with his own stable of ho's.
• Sells lots of t-shirts.
  

And those handsy priests? Put 'em in the ring and the Pope will pimp slap them into oblivion. Jesus couldn't ask for a better tag team partner.

As like anything in life, accepting Dinero as the church's savior does come with one difficulty: a potential increase in steel chair attacks upon clergy, likely from that bastard The Phenomenal AJ Styles.