Dear Cleveland

I'm sorry things went down the way they did. I don't blame LeBron's desire to ditch you for the white sands, hot ladies, and warm weather of Miami, but I think we can all blame him for constantly referring to himself in the third person and for potentially starting a terrible new trend wherein douche bag free agent athletes announce their decisions with hour-long television specials. I for one cannot wait for this winter's Adrian Beltre: The Choice, wherein he announces which lucky team's outfield he's going to decimate next.

But it's ok. After all, you're still known for your steamers.

No no no, get back from that ledge! That was just a little humor. A little ha ha. You've still got a lot of people to look up to, Cleveland. Take this guy:

That handsome devil is the host of the Price is Frickin' Right, and he's from right there in Cleveland! He's also hosted a hilarious comedy show and starred in his own sitcom. Is it any wonder that the ABC network stopped being relevant about the time he stopped CARRYING their primetime network? Not at all my friends. Not at all.

You know the best part? Old people love the Price is Right. A lot of them end up there, like there's a bus to it or something, and where are a lot of those old people from? FLORIDA! No more Plinko or Hole in One for those old farts; it's nothing but Card Game and Safecracker for those LeBron loving bastards!

Wait, what's that? You say he's fat? You say it was actually the "will they or won't they" dynamic between Louis and Oswald that actually carried "The Drew Carey Show?" You liked Bob Barker better and wish he'd come back? The only thing you'll "Witness" with him is the complete and utter destruction of a ham sandwich?

Hey, get out of the bath tub and put the hair dryer down, IN THAT ORDER! Ok, maybe Mr. Carey can't quite replace the King. Maybe we should try another local sports hero.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Cleveland Indians designated hitter Travis Hafner! Part of the Tribe since 2003, Hafner hit over 100 home runs and tallied over 400 RBI in a four year stretch between '04 and '07. And he's got an awesome nickname: Pronk! It's because he's part PROject and part dONKey. No one embodies your city's working class whatever like the hard nosed Pronk!

Hmm? Nobody gives a crap about the Indians anymore? They've turned Jacobs Field into a homeless shelter? You say it's been three years since Pronk was any good, that counting stats are stupid and modern sabermetrics say he's kind of a bum? That you're actually a "Witness" in a lawsuit against that racist logo on his hat?

WHOA WHOA WHOA! Drop the razor blade! You're doing it wrong anyway. You want to go down the road, not across the street. Can't you Clevelanders get anything right?

Fine. Last try. And I guarantee there is no way you'll be able to refuse this next guy as your new savior.

Even though he (sadly) doesn't sparkle like that in real life, Mike "The Miz" Mizanin has made quite a name for himself in the entertainment world, first as a giant douche on "The Real World," then as a giant douche on several seasons of that Real World vs. Road Rules nonsense, and now as a giant douche as one of the WWE's top sports entertainers. In the past two years he's held the Unified Tag Team Championship and the United States Championship, both multiple times - so he's already won more titles than any other Cleveland-based athlete ever will. He's the Miz, and he's AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWESSSSOMMMEE! (It's on his shirt so it must be true.) (Seriously though, he's one of the only reasons to watch Monday Night Raw nowadays.)

I can tell by the blank stare on your face, Dear Cleveland, that I have won you over. As always, professional wrestling can solve all of life's problems.

Wait, why is there an empty bottle of Drain-O in your hand.........?