Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

It's been cold and snowy in the greater Boston area since that last stupid holiday, whatever the hell day it was everybody was supposed to be happy because the numbers on the calendar were just so. I've lived my entire life up here, so such events are not unexpected. I get it, and I'm a man--some might compare me to a lumberjack or an ice road trucker--so I just shrug and deal with it. That's not what I'm about to bitch about.

My beef is with the side effects. The things people really should be complaining about, rather than "My heat's soooooo expensive!!!!!!!! I totally didn't see that coming!!!!!!" or "It gets dark sooooo early!!!!!! I totally didn't see that coming either!!!!!!" The problem is that none of these people walk anywhere, so they miss the things that are truly important. I, on the other hand, walk pretty much everywhere. I am too impatient to wait for the bus driver to finish his Olde English and get his ass to work. I refuse to spend more than $50 on something with only two wheels and no engine, so every bicycle I've ever owned has barely been able to get me to the corner store in one piece. And the rigamarole that is owning a car in the city is NOT for me, although I'll happily take a ride if you're going in my direction.

But I digress. These are the bullshit things I've noticed while trudging through this frozen tundra shit. Obama, I hope you're paying attention.

• People who don't shovel their sidewalks. You people are assholes. Put the chocolate creamy drippy delights down, turn off "Jersey Shore vs. Flavor of Love Girls Ultimate Challenge," pick up the shovel, and get your fat ass to work. Every fart I've farted in the last month has been farted in your general direction. I hope they lingered.
• People who won't get their asses in gear. Loyal blogonauts will recognize this as a consistent theme in my epic prose, but this problem has been exacerbated ten fold because the weather has reduced Somerville's once spacious sidewalks to narrow, treacherous pathways to hell. Normally it takes a whole group of dumbasses to clog a sidewalk, but now just a single idiot can ruin it for everybody. Put a fat broad with "Apple Bottom" emblazoned on her ass in the way and you get a recipe for a nervous breakdown and possibly a blog entry. Something about that logo just makes people forget how to walk. Maybe it falls off if they go too fast, or maybe it creates some sort of velocity sucking time-and-space rift that can only be semi-thwarted by incessantly talking on one's cell phone and IGNORING THE PERSON BEHIND YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU COULD'VE STEPPED INTO FIVE DIFFERENT DRIVEWAYS IN THE LAST TEN MINUTES TO LET HIM PASS. Seriously, this has happened to me at least three times. The last time I got so pissed I woke up in the Foggy Goggle. It literally made me travel back in time.
• The yellow snow. The aforementioned narrow, treacherous pathways to hell are walled in by piles of snow, much of it yellow and, depending on the quality of the shoveling job (often extremely poor), extremely difficult to avoid walking into. I know you've got a bag for disposing of little Fluffykin's sphincter spears (I couldn't come up with a good word so I totally just Googled "other words for poop," which of course lead me to The Poop Thesaurus). I know you've got a scooper of some sort. How about you combine those two tools and take care of his little yellow freeze pops too?
• The blogging. I couldn't fight the urge anymore. I needed an outlet. But even a bulleted list couldn't save this stupid train wreck.