The Decision

I find myself faced with a choice the likes of which I've never encountered. It's left me tossing and turning at night, waking up every few hours in a cold sweat. It distracts me both at work and when I should be focusing on an alcoholic beverage. It's dominated my thinking for the last several days. No matter how much I agonize over it, I just can't force myself to make a decision. So I turn to the thoughtful, compassionate denizens of the Interwebs for assistance.

Should I cut my hair?

I've got kind of a preseason Tom Brady thing going on. It covers my ears and my eyebrows and juts out in funny directions from underneath my hat. The best word I can think of too describe it is larval: a few snips in the front make it a mullet, a few in the back make it a Bieber, or with no snips at all it can make me a Level 5 Rogue who still lives in his mother's basement. It's a fat, satiated caterpillar awaiting its transformation into a beautiful butterfly.

But what kind of butterfly should it become? Hopefully this handy table can help you help me decide. Scroll down - I have no idea why it's putting this giant space in there. I spent thirty seconds trying to fix it and I don't care anymore.

Reasons to Keep Hair	Reasons to Cut Hair
Kind of look like dynamic WWE Superstar Dolph Ziggler, who's sleeping his way to the top.	Dolph is sleeping with Vicki Guerrero and originally portrayed a male cheerleader.
Could eventually look like Jesus.	More likely to look like dirty hipster; can't stand when people ask me where the nearest Whole Foods is.
I hate hipsters, but I do kind of like their women.	Hipster girls are the gateway drug to improper use of irony and flexibility inhibiting pants.
Could attract Brazilian supermodels.	Where the hell are you going to find a Brazilian supermodel, dumbass?
You never know.	Like it matters. You'll run as soon as she tries to make you put on a pair of Uggz.
Long, flowing locks help keep ears warm during harsh Massachusetts winter.	Long, flowing locks could potentially fall in beer and ruin night.
Long, flowing locks could make great hiding place when a tugboat gets too friendly.	If you think she won't find you behind your hair you're dumber than I thought.
Could aid in ascension up rock-n-roll food chain.	Shut up and get it cut moron.
FINE I'LL DO IT YOU'RE SO MEAN INTERWEBS!	That's better, pussy.

In unrelated news, the Royal Rumble was excellent. The Miz and Edge both won, but my other picks were way off base. .500 is good enough for me.

Ready to Rumble

This evening I will be joining a motley bunch of rednecks, hicks, trailer trash, townies, and various other flavors of the debatably mentally deficient at TD Banknorth Garden to watch a bunch of muscular men in tight pants toss each other around and say silly catch phrases. That's right, ladies and germs, I'm off to WWE's Royal Rumble, and I couldn't be more excited. I put my John Cena t-shirt on as soon as I got up this morning. The dirty hipsters in the coffee shop in which I'm composing this Interweb opus are giving me some very funny looks.

For those who don't know, professional wrestling is one of my most favoritest things on the planet, right up there with barbecue and juvenile comments about bodily functions and fluids. If you watch any of the following, you are not allowed to judge:

• Jersey Shore
• (Insert teenage number here) and Pregnant
• My Secret Addiction
• Skins
• Sarah Palin's Alaska
  
• The Biggest Loser
• The Twilight movies (doubly so if you read the books)
• Real Housewives of Anywhere
• Keeping up with the Kardashians
  
• The evening news

The above forms of "entertainment" are all a bigger blight upon society than WWE. The E is great with our troops and does a ton of work for the Make a Wish Foundation. If I had cancer or was about to go into battle, the last thing I'd want to see is Snooki. But if John Cena shows up and salutes and says everything's going to be all right, then God damn it, that cancer is fucking dead and Osama Bin Laden is as good as fucking caught.

The E is also arguably one of the best run businesses of the last 25 years, and it's my sincere opinion that the world would be a much better place if Vince McMahon was in charge of more of it. Problems in the Middle East? Vince's music hits, he does the power strut down the ramp, bashes both the Israelis and the Palestinians with a steel chair, points to his crotch and says something about being a genetic jackhammer, then tells them both to kiss his ass or they're fired. They pucker up and do the deed, he fires them anyway, and the crowd goes wild. See what I mean?

Onto my picks for the Rumble!

Natalya (champion) beats LayCool to retain the Divas Title
Natalya, daughter of former tag champion Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, is one tough broad. LayCool consists of two obnoxious bitches (that's a compliment - being obnoxious bitches is their job, and they do it better than anyone in the E right now) who are due for a whoopin'. Think of this one as Jennifer vs. Angelina, with Brad transmogrified into an ugly purple belt covered in butterflies.

Edge (champion) beats Dolph Ziggler (with Vicki Guerrero) to retain the World Title
This match should steal the show; these are two of the best in the company right now, and they play off each other well. Vicki, widow of the late, great Eddie Guerrero, is awesome in her role as a despicable woman who exploits every little bit of power she gets, and I can't wait to boo the shit out of her. Edge banged her way back when to win and hold the title; now it's Dolph trying to do the same. Fun match.

The Miz (champion) beats Randy Orton to retain the World Title
The Miz is awesome. I never thought he'd hold the belt this long; now, I don't see a reason why he shouldn't carry it all the way to Wrestlemania. The longer he has it, the more people hate him, and that's a good thing.

CM Punk wins the Royal Rumble
40 men enter, one every 30 seconds. They take turns tossing each other over the top rope until just one remains. Winner gets a title shot at Wrestlemania. Punk deserves it, and the shenanigans his Nexus cronies are going to pull on his behalf should guarantee it.

2011 MLB Preview - National League West

Is there another division in any sport more consistently competitive than the NL West? I'm only counting one team out of it this year...and even that team still has enough of a ceiling to surprise us all.

1. San Francisco Giants

I whiffed on them last year. Big time. And I've been mulling over knocking them into second. But then I took a look at the roster of my keeper fantasy baseball team, and who did I see? Buster Posey. Pat the Bat. The Freak and his hash stash. Madison Bumgarner. Brian Wilson. Ladies and germs, I have a Giants fetish, and at the very least I need to keep my various Interweb properties consistent.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Amy Adams. Versatile, young, and lacking an obvious weakness.

2. Colorado Rockies

I still love this club despite last year's stumble, though I think I over-valued their rotation, which could use a little help. They'll give the Giants a good run.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Kelly Clarkson. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY I LOVE HER ANYWAY.

3. San Diego Padres

Last year's big surprise is severely weakened by the loss of Adrian Gonzalez. There's enough young talent here to keep the Friars spunky.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Alyssa Milano. Where did you go? Come back!

4. Los Angeles Dodgers

This is what happens when one of your "best" players is a first baseman who hits a whole 12 bombs per year. Good luck to new manager Don Mattingly, who's going to need it.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Chelsea Handler. Hilarious, and there's probably going to be a lot of alcohol and a midget involved.

5. Arizona Diamondbacks

This once-impressive collection of young talent flamed out faster than my regular attempts to keep this blog rolling. Too many strike outs and not enough pitching. How long before we consign Justin Upton to the Elijah Dukes/Lastings Milledge All Star Team?

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Megan Fox. What the hell happened?

---

World Series Pick: Boston over Milwaukee in five. Yes, I'm a homer. Yes, I totally just jinxed them.

2011 MLB Preview - National League Central

Even though I am wallowing in the misery of Bald Eagle Flu (a rare strain of Orthomyxoviridae that only infects the top ten percent of the most rugged, rough-and-tumble Americans--think me, Teddy Roosevelt, and "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan), you're still going to get that NL Central preview you've been aching for since reading yesterday's write up of the East. Few things possess the awesome recuperative powers of the adoration of one's loyal blogonauts.

1. Milwaukee Brewers

It's the surprisingly vegetarian Prince Fielder's walk year and the Brewers know the only chance in hell they have of resigning him is building one hell of a team that wins the World Series. And if Prince leaves, 2011 may end up being the last year the Brew Crew even sniff the post season for a decade or two. Going all in is the only play here. Adding ace Zach Greinke and solid starter Shawn Marcum is a great step in that direction. Expect the farm system to be emptied for another pitcher midseason when the Brewers start to smell the division title.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Scarlet Johansson. Oh baby.

2. Cincinnati Reds

I picked them to be much improved last year, and they were. I just don't think they can hang with Milwaukee in 2011.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Natalie Portman. Pretty damn hot, but no ScarJo.

3. St. Louis Cardinals

Pujols, Carpenter, Wainwright, that dude that hates LaRussa, and a bunch of scrubs. The Lou had a great run as yearly contenders, but they're on the way down.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Amanda Bynes. I wouldn't throw her out, but...meh.

4. Chicago Cubs

I like the trade for Matt Garza. I like that they let Derek Lee's corpse float out to sea and wash up in Baltimore. I like that they resisted the urge to slap a big expensive free agent band aid on a team badly in need of major surgery. I like that they've got the Bucs and Stros to kick around so they won't look as bad as they actually are.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Sandra Bullock. Lying low for now after a rough year, but there's always a comeback in the works.

5. Pittsburgh Pirates

Bleh.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Mary Kate Olsen.

6. Houston Astros

Pfffffffft.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Ashley Olsen.

2011 MLB Preview - National League East

Ah, the National League. Land of the double switch. The way baseball should be played.

And the East! Oh, the East! This division is downright fascinating. You've got an up-and-coming squad built on youth, an aging contender that's still spunky, two very young, very tough to pigeonhole clubs...and then you've got the Mets.

1. Atlanta Braves

For years they've been retooling from within while also managing to stay relevant. This is the year all that work comes to fruition.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Blake Lively. I had no clue who the hell she was last year. But now...God damn.

2. Philadelphia Phillies (wild card)

Still impressive, but doing very little to get younger. Although Dominic Brown could end up being an improvement over Jayson Werth in right field. Just seems like they have too many injuries every year to find a way to win the division again.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Jessica Alba. Still attractive...but what have you done for me lately?

3. Florida Marlins

I'm not comfortable picking them this low. The Marlins always win the World Series when it's least expected, and I expect nothing but average from them this year. How many great managers have taken a turn here in the last decade? If only management would actually appreciate one of them, maybe star shortstop Hanley Ramirez would stop acting like a fourteen year-old emo broad who just got dumped by her guitar instructor for her mother.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Tara Reid. The potential's there, but they just can't keep it together. And their stomach looks like it's had some fucked up work done.

4. Washington Nationals

At least they're trying. They won't regret signing Jayson Werth for at least two years, but they should've tried harder to keep Adam Dunn around. Could be a deep, deep sleeper for the Wild Card.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Emma Stone. Intriguing and talented, but we'll have to wait and see.

5. New York Mets

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAOHGODKRODJUSTSHANKEDME!!!!!

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Christina Hendricks. Because GM Sandy Alderson and manager Terry Collins are a couple of giant boobs if they think this team is going to do shit this year.

2011 MLB Preview - The American League West

The West is fun. I can't really explain why. It's less of an educated opinion and more of an intense personal feeling, kind of like gas.

1. Texas Rangers
I called this one last year, though I underestimated just far they could go. The rotation's still a place for possible concern, but the lineup and bullpen are hearty enough to carry the team to the inevitable deadline deal for a true ace. With Adrian Beltre playing third base, they'd better make sure they're carrying a few spare quality outfielders.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Keira Knightley. Not getting derailed anytime soon.

2. Oakland Athletics
If you haven't heard, few things get me more hot and bothered than studly young rotations under team control for several years on the cheap. The problem with this team is its painful lack of a middle-of-the-order bopper. If you're hitting Hideki Matsui cleanup in 2011, you've got issues. Luckily they've got Chris Carter pounding on their first base door, and Josh Willingham has always been useful the few times he's managed to stay healthy for more than a week.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Lady GaGa. I know I should look away. I know that despite her talent, a lot of her mystique comes solely from her reputation. BUT I CAN'T MAKE MYSELF LOOK AWAY AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT.

3. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim or Maybe Sacremento or Fuck It Just California Again
The undisputed losers of this year's Hot Stove season, the Angels did absolutely nothing to improve themselves. Vernon Wells is an upgrade on the field but a ridiculous downgrade on the payroll; only A-Rod will make more money this year. Third base is still the biggest vortex of suck since Ninja Cheerleaders. Although I love me some Angel small ball, I see a step back and probably a new GM next year.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Britney Spears. The fixes are obvious, but they're ignored anyway.

4. Seattle Mariners
What a damn mess. If not for King Felix they'd be lucky to win 50 games. Last year's manager, Don Wakamatsu, got canned; their GM, Jack ZSomethingorother, somehow did not. Huh? It's the (supposedly brilliant until last year) manager's fault that Chone Figgins is no good?
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Lindsay Lohan. If it looks like a trainwreck, walks like a trainwreck, talks like a trainwreck, and never, ever learns, it's definitely a trainwreck.

2011 MLB Preview: The American League Central

Have I told you before how much I despise this division? It's like watching a race between drying paint, growing grass, and boiling water-and then the winner gets to be obliterated by the Yankees in the first round. Ugh.

1. Chicago White Sox

I agonized over this pick all day. I'm only taking them to win the division because I ran two miles on the treadmill and then decided that Manhattans were a necessary part of my evening. Needless to say, I've got a great buzz on about $18 worth of booze, and all of a sudden Adam Dunn, Chris Sale, Gordon Beckham, and Matt Thornton don't look so bad.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Fergie. Only attractive after two miles and a couple of Manhattans, unless there's a paper bag available. I gave them the same HSE last year and listed them in third place. This is how much I hate the AL Central.

2. Minnesota Twins

Their big names always get hurt, their rotation is terrible beyond Francisco Liriano, and the bullpen is anchored by a guy coming off a major injury. I smell regression. Or maybe that's just whiskey. Or dirty gym clothes. Or the spectre of the departed Nick Punto. Regardless, something stinks in Minnesota, and it ain't Brett Favre's cell phone (OH SNAP!!!).

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Lisa Kudrow. Good while her initial run lasted, but now, who gives a crap?

3. Detroit Tigers

Earth to Detroit: Victor Martinez is neither the starting pitcher nor the relief pitcher you needed, and he will give up at least as many stolen bases as he hits doubles, triples, and home runs. Enjoy the smokes, Leyland.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Eliza Dushku. They pushed her hard, but no one really gave a crap. (Editor's note: there is a ton of crap in this division. They aren't even kind enough to be entertaining train wrecks like the Mets and Dodgers.)

4. Cleveland Indians

Has any team fallen further faster than the Indians? They need to thank the Royals for keeping the basement warm.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Pocahantas. Some people enjoy the live action version during Disney on Ice, but the rest of us know it's a long way from Fergie. And that's saying something.

5. Kansas City Royals

Maybe this is just the booze talking...but by the Force, this team has a bright future. You can write this year off completely without a single second thought, but the next two or three...holy shit. Remember the names Moustakas, Montgomery, Lamb, Myers, and Hosmer. If half their prospects pan out, this could be a club with a very bright future, reminiscent of the Rays a few years ago. And that's even without Zach Greinke. This division will be very winnable when the Royals' kids grow up.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Emma Watson. Kids' stuff right now, but in a few years...ouch.

Addendum: Joke that would've gotten like five laughs in a Jay Leno top ten list ten years ago but now just gets a shake of the head: If they're supposed to be "Freedom" Fries and "Freedom" Toast, does that make it a "Freedom" Tickler?

2011 MLB Preview: The American League East

I did it last year. I might as well do it this year. I am nothing if not a model of consistency. My picks weren't any worse than anyone else's; I correctly named four out of the eight playoff teams and foresaw the renaissance of both Texas and Cincinnati. I whiffed on the collapses of St. Louis and Colorado and wasn't harsh enough on the Red Sox. All in all, I'm ESPN material. I've got Stark and Olney shaking in their boots and Neyer's already cleaning out his desk.

But what's this Hollywood Starlet Equivalent crap? I'm glad you asked! As you've no doubt noticed everytime you've seen my face on the cover of Us Weekly, TigerBeat, and Flex, America is infatuated with celebrity. Examining the every move of rich, occasionally talented people has supplanted baseball as the country's pastime. Used extensively in the baseball prognostication industry since 2010, Hollywood Starlet Equivalent provides the baseball layman with an easy means of comparing and understanding teams. If I say that Team A's expected wins are higher than Team B's, your eyes cross, you start to drool, and you decide you'd rather read Perez Hilton than my highbrow crap; if I say Jennifer Aniston's better than Lindsay Lohan, your stupid American brain immediately understands.

Now, without any further ado, the first batch of 2011 picks.

1. Boston Red Sox - On paper, this is the best squad in the game. When the Sox signed Carl Crawford, I wet myself. When they finally traded for Adrian Gonzalez, I crapped myself. I am quickly running out of clean undies and it's all Theo Epstein's fault. The rotation after Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz could potentially be a concern; Josh Beckett, Jon Lackey, and Daisuke Matsuzaka are a talented crew, but relying on all three of them to bounce back with only the ageless Tim Wakefield as legit insurance might be asking for trouble.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Mila Kunis. My favorite.

2. New York Yankees (wild card) - Their lineup is loaded, and you've got to figure Jeter's going to be unnecessarily diving into all kinds of crap in an effort to validate his earlier contract demands, but that rotation has disaster written all over it. Maybe they can pitch Sabathia every fourth day. They'll make the playoffs, but not easily.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Katie Perry. I don't like them despite how well they're put together, but I understand why other people enjoy their work.

3. Tampa Bay Rays - Most people are already writing this team's obituary. They're down a left fielder (Crawford), a slugging first baseman (Carlos Pena), a solid shortstop (Jason Bartlett), and a big time starter (Matt Garza). Their once dominant bullpen has evaporated in free agency. They've attempted to restock with the likes of Rowdy Kyle Farnsworth and the decaying corpses of Manny Ramirez and Johnny Damon. But don't count this squad out-they've still got the best rotation in the American League, and youngsters Desmond Jennings and Reid Brignac should plug the holes left by Crawford and Bartlett. If there's one rule I live by, it's to never count out a team who's manager wears such awesome ear flaps on cold nights.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Courtney Cox. Still feistier than most people think.

4. Toronto Blue Jays - GM Alex Anthopoulos has this team in full-on rebuilding mode. Dumping the albatross that was the contract of Vernon Wells upon the Angels, a team so dumb they can't figure out whether they're from Los Angeles or Anaheim, was a stroke of genius. This should be an interesting team to watch, if only to see if Jose Bautista is truly the slugger he pretended to be last year (I doubt it, but stranger things have happened).

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Morena Baccarin. It's a damn shame she always gets stuck on shows about to get cancelled, and it's a damn shame the Jays are stuck in this division.

5. Baltimore Orioles - Ugh. I'm not even going to bother. Peter Angelos is the Al Davis of Major League Baseball; the poor fans of this franchise are just waiting for him to go away so someone competent (and preferably alive) can take charge.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Every female contestant from the last season of Survivor. They just suck, and not even in a fun trainwreck sort of way. Get off my TV.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

It's been cold and snowy in the greater Boston area since that last stupid holiday, whatever the hell day it was everybody was supposed to be happy because the numbers on the calendar were just so. I've lived my entire life up here, so such events are not unexpected. I get it, and I'm a man--some might compare me to a lumberjack or an ice road trucker--so I just shrug and deal with it. That's not what I'm about to bitch about.

My beef is with the side effects. The things people really should be complaining about, rather than "My heat's soooooo expensive!!!!!!!! I totally didn't see that coming!!!!!!" or "It gets dark sooooo early!!!!!! I totally didn't see that coming either!!!!!!" The problem is that none of these people walk anywhere, so they miss the things that are truly important. I, on the other hand, walk pretty much everywhere. I am too impatient to wait for the bus driver to finish his Olde English and get his ass to work. I refuse to spend more than $50 on something with only two wheels and no engine, so every bicycle I've ever owned has barely been able to get me to the corner store in one piece. And the rigamarole that is owning a car in the city is NOT for me, although I'll happily take a ride if you're going in my direction.

But I digress. These are the bullshit things I've noticed while trudging through this frozen tundra shit. Obama, I hope you're paying attention.

• People who don't shovel their sidewalks. You people are assholes. Put the chocolate creamy drippy delights down, turn off "Jersey Shore vs. Flavor of Love Girls Ultimate Challenge," pick up the shovel, and get your fat ass to work. Every fart I've farted in the last month has been farted in your general direction. I hope they lingered.
• People who won't get their asses in gear. Loyal blogonauts will recognize this as a consistent theme in my epic prose, but this problem has been exacerbated ten fold because the weather has reduced Somerville's once spacious sidewalks to narrow, treacherous pathways to hell. Normally it takes a whole group of dumbasses to clog a sidewalk, but now just a single idiot can ruin it for everybody. Put a fat broad with "Apple Bottom" emblazoned on her ass in the way and you get a recipe for a nervous breakdown and possibly a blog entry. Something about that logo just makes people forget how to walk. Maybe it falls off if they go too fast, or maybe it creates some sort of velocity sucking time-and-space rift that can only be semi-thwarted by incessantly talking on one's cell phone and IGNORING THE PERSON BEHIND YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU COULD'VE STEPPED INTO FIVE DIFFERENT DRIVEWAYS IN THE LAST TEN MINUTES TO LET HIM PASS. Seriously, this has happened to me at least three times. The last time I got so pissed I woke up in the Foggy Goggle. It literally made me travel back in time.
• The yellow snow. The aforementioned narrow, treacherous pathways to hell are walled in by piles of snow, much of it yellow and, depending on the quality of the shoveling job (often extremely poor), extremely difficult to avoid walking into. I know you've got a bag for disposing of little Fluffykin's sphincter spears (I couldn't come up with a good word so I totally just Googled "other words for poop," which of course lead me to The Poop Thesaurus). I know you've got a scooper of some sort. How about you combine those two tools and take care of his little yellow freeze pops too?
• The blogging. I couldn't fight the urge anymore. I needed an outlet. But even a bulleted list couldn't save this stupid train wreck.