2011 MLB Preview: The American League Central

Have I told you before how much I despise this division? It's like watching a race between drying paint, growing grass, and boiling water-and then the winner gets to be obliterated by the Yankees in the first round. Ugh.

1. Chicago White Sox

I agonized over this pick all day. I'm only taking them to win the division because I ran two miles on the treadmill and then decided that Manhattans were a necessary part of my evening. Needless to say, I've got a great buzz on about $18 worth of booze, and all of a sudden Adam Dunn, Chris Sale, Gordon Beckham, and Matt Thornton don't look so bad.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Fergie. Only attractive after two miles and a couple of Manhattans, unless there's a paper bag available. I gave them the same HSE last year and listed them in third place. This is how much I hate the AL Central.

2. Minnesota Twins

Their big names always get hurt, their rotation is terrible beyond Francisco Liriano, and the bullpen is anchored by a guy coming off a major injury. I smell regression. Or maybe that's just whiskey. Or dirty gym clothes. Or the spectre of the departed Nick Punto. Regardless, something stinks in Minnesota, and it ain't Brett Favre's cell phone (OH SNAP!!!).

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Lisa Kudrow. Good while her initial run lasted, but now, who gives a crap?

3. Detroit Tigers

Earth to Detroit: Victor Martinez is neither the starting pitcher nor the relief pitcher you needed, and he will give up at least as many stolen bases as he hits doubles, triples, and home runs. Enjoy the smokes, Leyland.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Eliza Dushku. They pushed her hard, but no one really gave a crap. (Editor's note: there is a ton of crap in this division. They aren't even kind enough to be entertaining train wrecks like the Mets and Dodgers.)

4. Cleveland Indians

Has any team fallen further faster than the Indians? They need to thank the Royals for keeping the basement warm.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Pocahantas. Some people enjoy the live action version during Disney on Ice, but the rest of us know it's a long way from Fergie. And that's saying something.

5. Kansas City Royals

Maybe this is just the booze talking...but by the Force, this team has a bright future. You can write this year off completely without a single second thought, but the next two or three...holy shit. Remember the names Moustakas, Montgomery, Lamb, Myers, and Hosmer. If half their prospects pan out, this could be a club with a very bright future, reminiscent of the Rays a few years ago. And that's even without Zach Greinke. This division will be very winnable when the Royals' kids grow up.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Emma Watson. Kids' stuff right now, but in a few years...ouch.

Addendum: Joke that would've gotten like five laughs in a Jay Leno top ten list ten years ago but now just gets a shake of the head: If they're supposed to be "Freedom" Fries and "Freedom" Toast, does that make it a "Freedom" Tickler?