Yet Another Rant Against Motion Controls

You all know I've made little effort to hide my disdain of motion controls. Why the hell do I want to control a video game by looking like I'm having some kind of spasm? Why do I need a fucking fishing minigame tacked onto every new motion-controlled release? And for the love of the Force, where the hell are the legitimately innovative uses of this crap? I'd play a turn-based RPG fueled by the power of dance, but nooooooooooooooo...it's time for more fucking bowling and pet...petting.

The E3 offerings from the big three console makers pissed me the hell off. Recent rumors that the Playstation 4 would be built around a Kinect-like interface pushed me over the edge–but not the angry, I'm going-to-get-drunk-and-write-a-blogful-of-obscenities-about-it edge my loyal blogonauts have come to expect and admire. No, this time I've plummeted into a crevasse of sorrow where Fallout Boy is on infinite loop and my hair won't ever unswoop. Will no one step up to save us from a mind-numbing future where, thanks to Nintendo, everyone can spin their wrists completely around and kids who've never held a real bowling ball think they're as good as Big Ern? Major bonus points to those of you who get that reference.

Sega, I'm looking at you.

Stop laughing at me.

No, seriously, that wasn't a joke.

Fucking stop it.

Fine. I'll continue along and you can rejoin me when you're ready. If ever there was a time for Sega to make a triumphant return, this would be it. If someone came out with a beast of a machine with a normal controller, robust online support, and an all-digital distribution model where the games could be a fair amount cheaper than the ones you buy from Zitface Lardass the Third at Gameplop, they'd clean the hell up. And Sega's just the company to do it.

Allow me to silence to your objections:

• "But that machine has no gimmick!" Exactly. Sega pioneered stupid ass add-ons with the Sega CD and the 32x. The Dreamcast was the first machine with a screen in its controller, and you could also buy a really kick-ass fishing reel. They've learned their lesson and they know better than to try shit like that again.
• "But what about the casual demographic!" To hell with it. You want to play that awesome new Sega game? Learn to push the buttons, shithead. At some point in your life you learned how to drive, how to operate a computer, and how to open child proof containers. Well, you probably suck at all of those things, but my point is that none of them are exactly "natural," and yet you caught on and you can do it. Kind of. On one of your good days.
• "But Sonic the Hedgehog sucks!" Yes, Sega has spent the last dozen years crapping all over our childhoods by sticking Sonic in suck ass games where he's surrounded by an asinine collection of obnoxious woodland creatures that I suspect might actually be a support group for victims of fetal alcohol syndrome. But it doesn't have to be this way. Put Sonic in a game by himself where all he does is run and jump and spin and kick Dr. Robotnik's ass. Gordon Freeman doesn't have to speak to sell games; neither should Sonic.

Help us, Sega. You're our only hope.