My X Step Plan That Will Work To Make America Work Again

Everybody and their brother seems to have a plan to reduce our unemployment numbers to an acceptable level.  Most of those plans are bullshit.  Mine isn't.  Here's my X Step Plan That Will Work to Make America Work Again.  X represents the number of steps this eventually ends up being.  It's a placeholder that I will change when I'm done.  Unless I forget.  Or unless my sense of humor has degraded to the point that I think joking about plugging a number into a variable is funny and that joking about forgetting to do that is even funnier, in which case you should just find me and punch me in the face.

And yes, this list needs numbers.  Bullets won't do it.  If any of these steps are done out of this exact order, the whole thing will fall apart worse than Manny Ramirez.  Somebody needs to get that dude some 'roids for his brain.

1. President Obama loans me $1 million.  Don't scoff, he's totally going to do it.  This is a fart in the wind compared to the national debt.  What's another million bucks compared to the eleventy kabillion dollar deficit we're running?  Pocket change, that's what.
2. Briefcase full of Benjamins in hand, I turn my attention to a massive open wound inflicted upon the American Dream by a vile foreign interest.  That's right, you dirty fucking Swedes, I'm bringing back the Good Times Emporium.  The eagle shall not be grounded beneath the weight of square furniture and lingonberries!  But it's not going back in its original Somerville location.  Oh, no.  I'm buying the hole in the ground that used to be the Filene's building in Downtown Crossing and putting this bitch right in the heart of the city, and I'm going to use the two walls that are still standing to do it.  Four floors of booze and decadence and debauchery and Dance Dance Revolution.  I estimate that this venture will require 15 fry cooks, 37 bartenders, 15 bar backs, 50 burly security dudes, 5 guys to maintain the wrestling ring and optional steel cage, 50 cocktail waitresses, 10 guys to manage the carnival rides, and 30 assorted office support staff.  I just created 212 jobs and brought a smile to the face of every wannabe guido and disgusting skank in the greater Boston area (not to mention the barflies who have nothing better to do than to watch the magic).
3. It doesn't end there.  My tremendous Good Times profits cannot be left to rot in the bank!  For the good of America, it must be reinvested!  What's the one thing absolutely everyone on the planet needs?  A place to take a dump, of course!  That's why I'm going to create Cozy Commodes, the first ever line of luxury port-a-crappers.  With my in depth knowledge of the Boston bar scene, I will be able to strategically position my Cozy Commodes outside every pub in which no one wants to touch the seat.  Would you pay $5 to drop a deuce in a spacious, granite-lined privy well-stocked with quilted two-ply and attended by a friendly man servant who offers you a hot towel and compliments your hair when you're done?  If the alternative were catching the syph in An Tain or Sligo, of course you would!  I estimate that this venture will require 60 friendly man servants, 30 truck drivers, 25 of the nation's best scientists for Research and Development (I bet we can recover the corn and sell it to the ethanol manufacturers!), and 50 assorted office support staff.  That's another 165 jobs, for a grand total of 377!  What's that I hear?  Why, it's Fergie working a new verse about me into the Star Spangled Banner!
4. But I'm not done yet!  As my business ventures spread their sticky fingers into Worcester, Springfield, Providence, and Hartford, it'll be time for me to kick back and reap the fruit of my labors.  One 200 foot mega-yacht, please.  I estimate that my new toy will require 5 chefs, 20 crew, 2 housekeepers, 1 bikini model to make sure I'm always well sunscreened, another to rub my feet, another to tell me how nice my hair looks today, a fifteen man security force to fend off pirate attacks, and 5 bartenders, one for every floor.  But no captains.  Because I'm the fucking captain.  That's 50 more positions to fill, for a grand total of 427 positions!  I'm creating more positions than the guy who wrote the Kama Sutra!  But his jokes were probably better.

427 jobs.  Wow!  And that doesn't even count my Good Times and Cozy Commode franchises that will surely spring up throughout New England!  Best $1 million the nation has ever spent!  I'm a better patriot than Hulk Hogan, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and Sargent Slaughter COMBINED.