Why the High Life Man Could and Should Beat Up Keith Stone

This is my essay about why Miller High Life's High Life Man could and should beat up Keystone Light's Keith Stone.  The High Life Man could and should beat up Keith Stone because the High Life Man is better than Keith Stone in every way imaginable and some that aren't.  The High Life Man is a modern day Robin Hood.  He takes the Champagne of Beers from rich snobs who don't deserve it and gives it to cool people like you and me because that is a good honest beer for good honest folk.  He would not give any to Keith Stone.

Keith Stone is a socialist and probably a Canadian.  His only powers are rollerskating and summoning birds with fish.  Rollerskating hasn't been cool since they invented a little thing called rollerblading and birds crap everywhere.  Call me when you can summon a fish that carries a bird, Keith Stone.  His powers come from his stupid mustache and his dumb hat, both of which are easily disposed of via fire.  The High Life Man, however, once stumbled upon a moody, ethereal clearing in the middle of the forest one midnight on the Winter Solstice during a full moon the day after an eclipse.  There he met that most gorgeous of all ladies, the High Life Witch, who's buxom figure adorns every bottle and can of the Champagne.  She blessed him with the power to set the world right and made him the only mere mortal that can drive the High Life truck..  That is not something you can burn like a hat or facial hair.  That is forever.

This is how the High Life Man should beat up Keith Stone.  The next time Keith Stone asks someone to hold his stones, the High Life Man should volunteer and then kick Keith right in his stones.  No not the beer his junk.  That way Keith can't make any little pebbles and his line dies out like the Stark line probably will.  Then the High Life Man should marry Keith Stone's eldest daughter so he can straight up usurp Keith Stone's Winterfells.  Then he should back over Keith Stone with his High Life truck and everybody can toast with the Champagne of Beers.

The End.

Not really.  Now I need to explain.  A fan requested that I write a blog about the High Life Man beating up Keith Stone after I posted on Facebook that I wanted to see the High Life Man beat up Keith Stone.  I decided to stretch the wings of my writing by writing this update as if I were an 8 year old in fourth grade submitting an essay to his teacher.  This shows that I am a true arteeeeest and that I my writing has range, bitches.  I am like Chuck Klosterman but better.  I have no idea who the fuck that even is but I see his name in a lot of ladies' OKCupid profiles so I figure if I can spread word that I am better than Chuck Klosterman than more ladies will like me more and one of them will have a yacht and a deathly allergy to pre-nuptual agreements.

What the hell is wrong with me?