Myth or Reality?

While waiting for a Lechmere or North Station train in Government Center on my way to work other day, I noticed an advertisement on the side of the tunnel. It was divided along a diagonal, with one side red and the other yellow. One side read "Myth: Antidepressants eliminate all symptoms of depression" or something along those lines. The other read "Reality: Over seventy percent of people on antidepressants still experience symptoms of depression" or some such. The only thing both sides had in common was an infuriating lack of periods. A website mentioned in small print across the bottom of the advertisement promised further enlightenment.

My first thought, of course, was that I was going to have to start walking to work to avoid the Scientologist propaganda that was sure to soon overrun the entirety of the MBTA. Then I saw a few similar bits of crapvertising that cast psychiatric medicine in less of a negative light, and I realized it was just a stupid public information campaign.

And yet I still felt the need to start packing a Sharpie so that I might improve these blights upon the MBTA's otherwise lovely tunnels. Then I realized that I'd either just lose the Sharpie or trip over the tracks and break my neck while trying to get to the offending posters, so I figured I'd just take care of this need in blog form. Blogging about it also allows me to keep my glass of whiskey out in the open, rather than having to conceal the entire bottle in a paper bag whilst defacing stupid ads.

And awaaaaaaaaaaaay we go...

Myth: Obscure advertising is a great way to get people's attention.

Reality: Obscure advertising is a great way to make dumb people scratch themselves in confusion and make smart people queef a bubble.


Myth: Scott Colby takes the T to work.

Reality: Scott Colby ghost rides the whip to get anywhere and everywhere he needs to go.


Myth: I'm going to take my headphones out of my ears to talk to every homeless bum who tries to stop me on the street.

Reality: Take a bath and get a job. Then go fuck yourself.


Myth: You're depressed.

Reality: Your blood alcohol content is too low, and you may be suffering from an acute lack of donuts or pie.


Myth: How come everytime you come around my London-London Bridge wanna go down?

Reality: I ain't no hollaback girl.


Myth: This is just a cheap variation on the bulleted list style pioneered by I Stole Your Lunch.

Reality: This whole thing is written in iambic pentameter. Prove me wrong if thou can, Mercutio.


Myth: Anna Nicole Smith is dead.

Reality: Anna Nicole Smith is filming a pornographic video with Elvis, Tupac, and Biggie on the Hollywood set used to fake the moon landing. The soundtrack is being written and performed by Axl, Slash, and the rest of the original Guns 'n Roses for their reunion tour.


Myth: I can't download "I'm No Angel" from the iTunes Store because they don't have any Greg Allman.

Reality: I've been missing the second "g" on the end of Gregg Allman's first name for the past month and a half. C'mon baby...c'mon let me show you my tattoo...


Myth: Wow! This blog just gets better and better with each successive update!

Reality: You're a dumb shit. The first five or six entries were good - you should read those, then give up. The rest is crap. In that regard, I Stole Your Lunch is a perfect mirror for Kevin Bacon's movie career.


Myth: This is your brain on drugs.

Reality: This is Scott Colby on a bottle of Smuttynose Winter Ale, two snifters of Jameson on the rocks, and a piece of sausage pizza.

Is it really a bomb scare if no one's particularly afraid?

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/01/31/boston.bombscare/index.html

Kick me in the face and make it go away.

Let me preface by saying that we are in a pretty sad state when we automatically assume something is a bomb just because we don't know what it is, and that the real terrorists achieve a measure of victory every time we react this way.

I can just imagine the thought process of whatever official got to one of these babies first: "It's not pizza...not a donkey...not a house...not a car...not a cow...not the Internet...too small to be Sally Struthers...not a bird...not a plane...doesn't smell like beer...ergo, therefore, it is indubitably a bomb! Egad!"

If I've learned anything from Josh Moody it's that no self-respecting bomber would be dumb enough to leave his explosives sitting obviously in the middle of very public places covered with BLINKING FUCKING LIGHTS. We are not in a Bruce Willis movie here, people.

Especially since life most often imitates a Bruce Campbell movie, but I digress.

And if these guys receive jail time for their little stunt, something is seriously wrong. I think they should be fined for being a public nuisance and either their advertising agency or Fox should have to foot the Bomb Squad bill, but sending a couple of guys to prison for a bunch of little boxes that COULD have had explosives in them is ludicrous and sets a dangerous precedent.

These events also provide several great examples of why I'd like to dropkick most public officials and journalists. From the above article:

"Authorities believe Berdovsky was "in the employ of other individuals" as part of the marketing campaign, Coakley said. "How exactly this was executed, we are still investigating.""

Gee, I may not have a Ph. D. in criminology...but I'd say chances are pretty good they made a list of places with a lot of foot traffic and just kind of put them there.

"Wednesday evening, Cartoon Network was running a statement during commercial breaks, expressing deep regret for "the hardships experienced as a result of this incident.""

I expect a personal apology from Cartoon Network because news concerning this shit won't get off my TV or Internet.

""It had a very sinister appearance," Coakley told reporters. "It had a battery behind it, and wires.""

Alone, batteries and wires are completely harmless. But put them together...and anything with both a battery and wires is obviously out to eat your children.

"Menino told reporters he received a call from a Turner spokesperson about 9 p.m. but had not yet returned it. "I think the city deserves a call, not from a press person, but from somebody in the corporate structure of Turner," he said."

What Mumbles actually said was something more along the lines of "Aboaboboeaoblesoeb. Abhodibkesokes!"

"Some of the devices were placed on private property, she said, which "raises a lot of questions about, at the very least, the responsibility of anybody who would do this.""

She's basically saying that all vandals are irredeemable sinners who should be burned at the stake.

"Boston Police Commissioner Edward Davis called it "unconscionable" that the marketing campaign was executed in a post 9/11 era. "It's a foolish prank on the part of Turner Broadcasting," he said. "In the environment nowadays ..."

I'm sorry, but aren't we supposedly more prepared now than we were six years ago? Doesn't that mean a real disaster would cause less damage now than it would have during that time?

I'm done. No energy for a conclusion.

Haikus

Ode to Boca Grande

Grilled steak grande
Sour cream and hot sauce extra
Oh baby, oh yeah.


One for J$

You are not cool lest
From Amazon dot com you
Buy prophylactics.

To Sarah Silverman

Woman not ugly
Yet jokes of farts and fluids
I might be in love.

This Bar Sucks

Goggle so Foggy
Sticky floors, slimier girls
Makes me weep at night.

I may have discovered the most annoying thing ever

Whitening strips.

Within a minute of putting these things on, I was drooling like a dog. Or like dumbass who likes buffalo women scoping the bar at the Foggy Goggle (ah, how I missed making dumb jokes about that shithole).

I seriously need a god damn spittoon.

At approximately the ten minute mark, I lost the bottom strip. And I have no idea where the fuck it went. I suspect if I poop tomorrow it will come out shimmering white.

I really can't believe you're supposed to do this twice a day for half an hour each time. It feels like there's a frigging Trojan stuck in my teeth and all I can taste is after shave (now I know how a buffalo chick feels when waking up after a successful night at the Foggy Goggle).

Enough of this, time's up.

The Milestone 100th Update

I've never, ever been interested in graffiti or those jackasses who think it has a "culture," but while walking through Government Center today I noticed a big white van branded "Graffiti Busters," and I thought to myself, "Hot damn, if I had a can of red spray paint in my pocket, I'd totally scribble my initials on the side of that fucker."

That's it. Number 100. I've spent the last month trying to develop a commemorative update detailing the 100 Things that Piss Me Off, and today I finally realized I just need to get past number 100, so I gave up.

That was a stupid run-on sentence.