2010 MLB Preview - National League West

Finally we've reached my favoritest division in all the land. Each of these five clubs is fascinating for its own particular reason, unlike the AL Central or the cast of Jersey Shore. Any thought of the NL West, no matter how inconsequential, typically requires a change of pants.

1. Colorado Rockies
These guys are like the anti-Mets: they continually refresh their roster with quality home-grown talent, and they always find a way to make one hell of a charge the last few months.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Scarlett Johanson. God damn.

2. Los Angeles Dodgers (Wildcard)
A questionable rotation and a shaky infield keep them from taking the top spot, but they may have the best pen in the majors. Too bad Mrs. McCourt is going to get half of it.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Rhianna. Always solid, though the hair's kind of funny at times. Matt Kemp could be the Jeter of the West.

3. San Fransisco Giants
Aubrey Huff + Mark DeRosa does not a threatening lineup make.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Megan Fox. Everybody's favorite, but completely lacking substance and stuck married to that funny looking dude from 90210.

4. Arizona Diamondbacks
They won't be as far out of the race as this fourth place finish might suggest. Haren, Webb, and Jackson are arguably the top 1-2-3 in the Senior Circuit, but their homegrown lineup strikes out more than I used to in the Foggy Goggle.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Jessica Alba. Great in theory, but they'll never be able to carry a feature on their own.

5. San Diego Padres
Their owner's 2008 divorce left this team ravaged. This is what the Dodgers could look like in a few years if they aren't careful.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Whitney Houston. Stay away from the crack, Rhianna, or this could be you. At least she's already escaped the vile clutches of a man named Brown.

2010 MLB Preview - National League Central

The Central is always one of the most entertaining divisions in the bigs and this season should be no different. I admit it: I just flat out love the National League.

1. St. Louis Cardinals

This team flat out knows how to get things done, consistently plugging holes with guys pulled off the scrap heap, given a tune up, and unleashed upon an unsuspecting world. Matt Holliday's big deal meant there was no money for the suddenly revitalized Joel Pineiro, but life goes on in the Lou.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Sandra Bullock. Consistent, and you can never completely count them out.

2. Cincinnati Reds

Dusty's boys will be this year's big surprise. There's a lot more talent here than most people think. They won't be close to the Cardinals, but they will contend for the Wild Card and squeak past the Cubbies for second.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Lady Gaga. Coming out of nowhere to great fanfare, but not quite awards material yet despite several nominations.

3. Chicago Cubs

You know you've got problems when your biggest offseason move is trading a malcontent board game magnate for a lard ass with a career ERA bigger than my shoe size. Could be the year Lou Piniella finally kills somebody on the field.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Katie Holmes. An attractive pick until you remember they're batshit insane.

4. Milwaukee Brewers

It pains me to say this about my adopted NL team...but it's time to blow it up and rebuild. They've got Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder and not much else, mainly because Prince eats just about everybody they sign, which is why they can only employ pitchers that are way past their expiration dates.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Joan Rivers. Tough and stringy.

5. Houston Astros

I totally had to Google "National League Central teams" because I couldn't remember these guys were even in the division. Even that stupid hill they put against the centerfield fence wasn't enough to keep them in my mind. At least they're not the Pirates.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Betty White. Definitely not getting any younger, but still hilarious.

6. Pittsburgh Pirates

Ugh. At this point, their only hope is to sell the team to Mark Cuban.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Kate Gosselin. They just keep pumping out losers.

2010 MLB Preview - National League East

One can't-miss contender followed by a semi-competitive rival, a dark horse, and two complete jokes. The NL East is basically a VH1 dating show.

1. Philadelphia Phillies

I love me some Roy Halladay, but this year's biggest trade is going to kill the Phillies down the road. Their extension of Joe Blanton's contract leads me to believe they probably could've gotten a deal done with Cliff Lee. Still, they're the team to beat in the Senior Circuit. Nigh untouchable.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Keira Knightley. The best.

2. Atlanta Braves

Should be a big season for star prospects Hansen, Medlen, and Heyward. They've positioned themselves well to take the division back from Philly in a year or two. For now, just not enough offense.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Lindsay Lohan. Fell apart temporarily, but poised for a comeback.

3. Florida Marlins

Just spunky enough to be intriguing. Just young enough that it won't happen for a year or two yet.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Miley Cyrus. Jailbait.

4. Washington Nationals

Another team on its way up, but only because there wasn't much farther to fall. Beyond Zimmerman, Strasburg, Dunn, and the Racing Presidents, everyone on the roster seems more like a nice complementary player than a franchise building block. Sad that they can't fill that gorgeous stadium.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: A Kardashian. No one cares, but the house is nice.

5. New York Mets

Wow.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Deputy Trudy Weigel, Reno Sheriff's Department. General Manager Omar Minaya is going to be talking to his cats and making conjugal visits to serial killers by the time he's done here.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for an emergency broadcast

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Fallout Boy NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

There hasn't been such an awesomely melodramatic group of skinny jeans-clad emos since they started Panicking in the Disco. I'd cut myself, but I can't get through the scars their music has left on my wrists with anything short of a chainsaw.

So what happened? It sounds like no one's really sure. Here are the top theories:

• Ashlee "Yoko" Simpson insisted they rename the band something stupid, like "Manhattan Ballou."
• They didn't have a scene, they had an arms race. And someone brought a minigun.
• Lead singer Pete Wentz is doing his best Axl Rose impersonation. "Colombian Capitalism" to be released in seventeen years when no one cares.
• Drummer ran out of available skin for red-and-black star tattoos.
• They're falling apart to half time.
• My Chemical Romance stole the bassist.

But really, there is no way in hell this is not Ashlee's fault. That ho needs to keep her ginormous nose out of things. They aren't even going down swingin', for cripes sakes.

2010 MLB Preview - American League West

It finally gets interesting. There isn't a single team in this division that isn't entertaining–and I mean entertaining in a good, "let's see what Dexter's up to this week" way rather than in a bad, "oh my God Bret Michaels on a bus with fifteen gold digging strippers" way. This one's going to be tight.

1. Texas Rangers

A lot depends on their young pitching staff. I think they've got just enough that their offense won't have to carry them every night, making them the most complete team in the division–a status they should enjoy for years to come, especially now that they've got a new owner and will be able to make a deadline move or two.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent - Taylor Swift. This is the team everybody's going to be talking about, and with good reason.

2. Anaheim Angels

A lot of people look at this team and focus on what they've lost: Lackey, Figgins, Vladdy. I see a team that has always known when to cut the cord on their older stars (Salmon, Anderson, Glaus, Washburn) and probably hasn't missed the mark here. If Pineiro's new stuff translates to the American League and Kendry keeps mashing, they're going to contend for both the West and the Wild Card.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent - Jennifer Aniston. Just when you think they're down and out, they come back looking even younger than before but just as spectacular. Never count them out.

3. Seattle Mariners

Where's the offense? And if you say "Milton Bradley," I'll give him your address and tell him how much you like the Cubs.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent - That super skinny Fatimah chick I saw on America's Next Top Model the other day. Somebody get these boys a hamburger with a side of human growth hormone.

4. Oakland Athletics

Poor Billy Beane. Now that everyone else has discovered the magic of on-base percentage, what's a small market team to do? Answer: sign one big name per year and then trade his ass for a shit ton of prospects at the deadline. Call it Taking a Holliday, or maybe Tucking in the Sheets. Might I suggest he just switch to Hollywood Starlet Equivalent instead?

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent - Tyra Banks. Getting by on reputation alone until everybody realizes they're just nuts.