1. Texas Rangers
A lot depends on their young pitching staff. I think they've got just enough that their offense won't have to carry them every night, making them the most complete team in the division–a status they should enjoy for years to come, especially now that they've got a new owner and will be able to make a deadline move or two.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent - Taylor Swift. This is the team everybody's going to be talking about, and with good reason.
2. Anaheim Angels
A lot of people look at this team and focus on what they've lost: Lackey, Figgins, Vladdy. I see a team that has always known when to cut the cord on their older stars (Salmon, Anderson, Glaus, Washburn) and probably hasn't missed the mark here. If Pineiro's new stuff translates to the American League and Kendry keeps mashing, they're going to contend for both the West and the Wild Card.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent - Jennifer Aniston. Just when you think they're down and out, they come back looking even younger than before but just as spectacular. Never count them out.
3. Seattle Mariners
Where's the offense? And if you say "Milton Bradley," I'll give him your address and tell him how much you like the Cubs.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent - That super skinny Fatimah chick I saw on America's Next Top Model the other day. Somebody get these boys a hamburger with a side of human growth hormone.
4. Oakland Athletics
Poor Billy Beane. Now that everyone else has discovered the magic of on-base percentage, what's a small market team to do? Answer: sign one big name per year and then trade his ass for a shit ton of prospects at the deadline. Call it Taking a Holliday, or maybe Tucking in the Sheets. Might I suggest he just switch to Hollywood Starlet Equivalent instead?
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent - Tyra Banks. Getting by on reputation alone until everybody realizes they're just nuts.
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