Haikus

Ode to Boca Grande

Grilled steak grande
Sour cream and hot sauce extra
Oh baby, oh yeah.


One for J$

You are not cool lest
From Amazon dot com you
Buy prophylactics.

To Sarah Silverman

Woman not ugly
Yet jokes of farts and fluids
I might be in love.

This Bar Sucks

Goggle so Foggy
Sticky floors, slimier girls
Makes me weep at night.

I may have discovered the most annoying thing ever

Whitening strips.

Within a minute of putting these things on, I was drooling like a dog. Or like dumbass who likes buffalo women scoping the bar at the Foggy Goggle (ah, how I missed making dumb jokes about that shithole).

I seriously need a god damn spittoon.

At approximately the ten minute mark, I lost the bottom strip. And I have no idea where the fuck it went. I suspect if I poop tomorrow it will come out shimmering white.

I really can't believe you're supposed to do this twice a day for half an hour each time. It feels like there's a frigging Trojan stuck in my teeth and all I can taste is after shave (now I know how a buffalo chick feels when waking up after a successful night at the Foggy Goggle).

Enough of this, time's up.

The Milestone 100th Update

I've never, ever been interested in graffiti or those jackasses who think it has a "culture," but while walking through Government Center today I noticed a big white van branded "Graffiti Busters," and I thought to myself, "Hot damn, if I had a can of red spray paint in my pocket, I'd totally scribble my initials on the side of that fucker."

That's it. Number 100. I've spent the last month trying to develop a commemorative update detailing the 100 Things that Piss Me Off, and today I finally realized I just need to get past number 100, so I gave up.

That was a stupid run-on sentence.

"Of" is The Devil

I'm getting sick and tired of all the grammatical errors on the Interweb. I've said it before, and I'll say it again...No Child Left Behind my ASS!

It's not "That shouldn't of happened." That's wrong. And stupid. It's "That shouldn't HAVE happened." "Of" is a preposition. "Have" is a verb. See the difference?

"But Scott Colby!" you exclaim. "When I hear people say something like that, it sounds like they're saying 'of.'"

But they aren't. They're actually using a contraction: "That shouldn't've happened."

You'd better remember all this. If I catch any of my loyal blogonauts screwing this up, I'm going to pelt them in the back of the head with a canned ham, steal their pants, and ditch them in the dumpster behind Punters.

Unfortunately, something tells me there's going to be a lot of half-naked people waking up behind Punters bleeding from the back of their skulls in the near future...

Two things that piss me off

1. Now, I hate to sound like an asshole, but...wait, that's not right. Let's try again. I hate to sound like a Republican (ahh, that's better!) but I'm beginning to suspect that those "no cell phones" signs they've hung up every ten feet in the gym should probably be written in languages other than English. It seems like everytime some loud douche bag violates this rule, he ain't speaking the President's English. Think that's racist or bigoted? I guarantee that if I were to keep track of all the dumb fucks who insist on pulling their phones out in the gym, 80% of them would be having conversations in a foreign language. And I honestly don't care what language you speak, even when you're speaking it into a cell phone when you're not supposed to. What I do care about, however, is that you shut the fuck up and stop annoying me, and if it takes signs in multiple languages to accomplish that goal, then that's what it takes to accomplish that goal.
2. I am beginning to have a very strong dislike for people who don't listen to the announcements on the T. Getting off the train at Government Center tonight, the driver had to announce five times that this was the last stop and people should be getting off before one group of English-speaking, headphone-free dumbasses got out of their seats. I think after the third such announcement, the driver should seal the doors and release the nerve gas. The T should then sell these dumbasses to reality TV producers to help pay off some of their debt.