While we're on the topic of idiocy...

On a recent repeat of the Colbert Report, my idol Mr. Colbert interviewed the author of a book claiming that our children are being pushed too hard in school. A combination of standardized testing and pressure to compete with other students, she said, was ruining their educations.

I sat there quite flabbergasted. "Horseshit," I told the TV. "That's not the reason those little bastards can't order a Big Mac without making Ahmed want to move back to India. It's because they're focusing on the wrong subjects." The television didn't seem to care, so now we're fighting. WHY DOES IT NEVER LISTEN TO ME?!?!?!?!

Neither standardized testing nor competition amongst students is an inherently bad thing. What's wrong with the current system isn't the fact that it's difficult - it's that it's focusing on the wrong areas.

See, here's the thing all these so-called education experts are forgetting: the basis for all learning is communication. If you can't read, write, or speak, the amount of information you can absorb is severely limited. And I'm not just talking the kind of book learning you get in school...I'm talking everything, from how to ride the train to *gasp* how to order a cheesy bacony delight. That's right - if you can communicate properly, you'll find it much easier to reach your goal of becoming a quarter-ton, bed-ridden slob who's had three quadruple bipasses by the time he's twenty-five. Hooray!

Seriously, though, there's a reason why our students are falling behind the rest of the world in math and the sciences, and it has nothing to do with the way those subjects are being taught. It's because their piss poor communication skills restrict the amount of information they can absorb. To put this in terms everyone can understand, it's like Flavor of Love. Taking a dump on Flav's floor reduces your chances of staying until the end so you can get a modeling contract and dump him a few months later.

So I say keep the standardized tests and the competition - but make them focus on reading, writing, and speaking. Focus on these subjects at the younger ages, even if it means reducing the amount of time spent on other subjects, especially history. What, you've taught these kids about the damn Pilgrims three years in a row, and some of them still think Christopher Columbus was the captain of the ship that brought them to New Jersey? Gee, maybe that's because they can't fucking read! Get the kids up to snuff on their communication skills early, and every other subject will be that much easier later on.

But guess what - this task can't simply be left up to the school system. Here's a list of things that you can do as a parent to ensure that your precious little bastard doesn't piss off Scott Colby in the line at Quizno's:

• Monitor your child's online activity for incorrect language. Install an instant messaging client that will not send any messages that contain grammatical errors. And if you catch your son or daughter on MySpace, no dessert for week.
• Do not allow your children to read any gaming magazines or websites. Those people are fucking stupid.
• Got children under three years of age? Do not, under any circumstances, leave them to watch one of those cracked out shows where the LSD-inspired characters just sit there making stupid noises for half an hour. This is more or less the equivalent of performing your first home lobotomy on your son or daughter. Instead, Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers, or the Daily Show will suffice (I threw that last one in there so they don't grow up to be Republicans). MacGyver will also work in a pinch.

This paragraph should be the conclusion to another entry in perpetually growing list of ridiculous tirades, but I can't think of anything worthwhile to put here. I'll attribute this to the fact that I spent five years learning about Old Sturbridge Fucking Village when my teachers could've been teaching me how to write a proper conclusion.